I HAVE to believe that

Because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

from JoeUser Forums

'Our parents treated us the way their parents treated them.  They were beaten, so they beat us'

I've believed that to be true for about 10 years now.  I've believed that my dad treated us kids the way he did because he was treated that way by his dad. 

I HAVE to believe that.  Because if I don't believe that it means....well, it means that my dad enjoyed doing the things he did.

He enjoyed beating my mother in front of us kids.  He enjoyed holding her head against the side of the car door and punching her repeatedly whilst my 4 year old brother and I sat in the backseat crying.  I was so scared I wet myself, which resulted in a beating for me too.

He enjoyed berating us until we couldn't function; until our self-esteem simply didn't exist anymore.  We weren't anything, and we were never going to be anything.  We would never be as clever or as quick or as popular as he was.  We would never be anything; we would never amount to anything at all, and if we ever did try to do anything we would fail.  He repeated that mantra so many times that we eventually believed it.

He enjoyed hitting us with the ends of fishing poles, with his belt, with shoes, with his fists, with anything that was available.  He enjoyed hitting us in public. He LIKED hitting us, he liked making us cry and scream and beg him to please stop.  He LIKED the way it made him feel, the power that it gave him.

He enjoyed kicking us all out of the car on the way home from a trip and leaving us all standing on the side of the road as he drove away.  This was in the days before cell phones, so we had no way of calling anyone to come and get us.  My mother was trying to put on a brave face, but seeing as he'd punched her before he threw her out of the car she was having a hard time being brave and confident that we'd be okay.  We stood there, cold and afraid, for half an hour before he came back and got us, then we had to endure an hour long lecture about how good and great he was and how we were nothing, we were shit, we were horrible and how any other man would have left us there and not given a fuck about us, but he was SO great and SO gracious that he came back and got us and that we should let that little episode serve as a lesson to us.....he was NOT to be fucked with.

He enjoyed kicking and beating my knee right after I'd had a thigh to ankle cast removed.  My crime?  I took his spot on the couch after Sunday lunch.

He enjoyed throwing my portable radio that I'd saved up for and bought myself out of the second floor window, smashing it to pieces because I'd had the nerve to bring it into the kitchen so I could listen to the Top Ten chart show as I was doing the dishes after Sunday tea.  He justified it by saying that he was squashing my rebellion.  Yeah, I was a rebel because I wanted to see if Duran Duran made it to number one.

He enjoyed screaming at me in the street 3 years later when I bought my first real stereo music system (second hand from a couple down the road from us) and telling me that this was HIS house and that I was NOT going to turn the place into a disco and that I had to ASK permission to bring ANYTHING into HIS house and that I had to take it back and let them keep the money for it so that I would learn my lesson.

Of course, all of these are just the things that come to mind today.  I know that if I sat and thought about it for a while I could come up with more things, things that my mind has MADE me forget about.....because remembering all of them would be just too much to bear.

It took me years to get over what he did.  I hated him for a long, long time.  I detested my mum for not leaving him....for staying and taking what he dished out.  I was so angry at her; I thought she was weak and pathetic.  It wasn't until many years later that I saw that she wasn't weak for staying, she was strong.....that it took more strength to stay than it did to leave.

It also took me years to recover from the effect his actions had on me.  I'm still not recovered all the way; I think that there will be a part of me that will always be broken and damaged by what he did.  I had to learn to love myself, and I didn't accomplish that until I was in my late 20's....and I still have some days where I don't like myself a whole lot.

I forgave my dad eventually.  I forgave him because I saw that he was only doing what he thought was the best thing for me.  He was raised in a small village with almost no money; he was a country boy who didn't know any better.  He parented us the way he was parented.  He beat us because his dad beat him - and yes, I know that there were times when he went too far, and I've come to terms with those - but he really tried to do the best he could for us.

I HAVE to believe that.  If I want to be able to function and move on with my life, if I want to be an effecgtive parent and a loving wife and a decent human being, I HAVE to believe that.

Because the alternative.....well, it just doesn't bear thinking about.

998 views 8 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I can't say about your dad, but sorry you went through that.

However, good for you for breaking that cycle. Maybe that sounds lame, but my grandfather was less than exemplary and my Dad was the best. I was lucky.

It takes an amazing person to analyze their past and to make conscious decisions about how they want to manage their present and their future rather than repeat the cycles ingrained on them from their past.

god bless you for your awareness and the strength to carry through on your insights.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
I agree the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. You have to do what makes you happy. You also have to deal with what happened to you. Although be aware that completely shutting it out will shut you down.

Sometimes there is no explanation of why people do the things they do and why they are the way they are because as you say, you have to move on because the alternative would be too much for you to bear. That I understand. As long as you have learned to deal with it and have come to some type of closure about your experiences, then I agree with you.

I won't say what I feel about your dad, I would be out of place, but I'm sorry you had to go through a childhood like that.
Siege of Centauri
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

I think what you are doing now is simply asking yourself "What good can come from hating him at this point?"  Obviously, I don't think anyone would question you for a second if you did hate him.  From what you've written about in the past about your concerns of his failing health, I can tell that you love him. 

You are going the "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" route and paving a better path for your own children.  I mourn your childhood for you but applaud who you have become.

Best wishes and thanks for sharing.

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I HAVE to believe that. Because if I don't believe that it means....well, it means that my dad enjoyed doing the things he did.


All too many times, an abuser will state that it wasn't his fault, something drove him to do it. I always got the impression by the times things started happening, they were beyond control. Some will apologize for it, and others are too maddened to even bother. Did they enjoy it? I don't know, but some rise above it all, regardless of how they were treated as children.

Keep on, Dharma.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top

You seem to have come or are coming to peace with it.  And that in itself is a great victory.  I wish you well in your journey and hope that you can teach others from the lessons of your life.

Peace Dharma.

Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
it all comes down to "breaking the chain" I refused to treat my kids the way I was treated, my mom made sure I knew everyday of my life, I was an accident and a huge mistake, I always let my kids know I love them and they were and are very wanted.

My mom hit, with anything handy, when I was 15 I took away the rolling pin from her, put it down on the table, and said "never again! you will never hit me again" naturally she became an instant victim, called her 2 brothers , My uncles and whined about what a horrible son I was and told them I threatened her, needless to say the confrontation between my uncles and I got very ugly .

I do not believe she did her best {as my brother likes to say} I believed she was so unhappy in her own skin, she was going to share that unhappiness with me, when ever she could. I forgave her long ago.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

Do you love him?

Yes.  I do.  For all his faults, for his bad temperedness and his violence, for all the bad stuff...he's still my dad, and I still love him.  He's broken now, Sabrina.  He's still verbally vicious at times and he can still be an obnoxious old fart, but he's too broken to be as volatile as he used to be.  I often wonder what would have happened if he had been born 30 years later and had gone through therapy or seen a psychiatrist.  Would be have been different, would he have been less violent?  I don't know.  I do know that a lot of his adult like was spent in physical pain.  He had shrapnel injuries from when he was in Palestine in the late 40's early 50's, and he had a hip replacement when I was 15, followed by his first heart attack a year later....of course, none of those things are excuses for his behaviour or even allowances.  They're just 'maybe's'....'maybe' he was that was because he was in constant pain, stuff like that. 

I used to hate him, Sabrina.  I used to love him simply because he was my dad, but I didn't like him at all.  That's changed as I've grown older, and it's especially changed since I've have kids of my own.  So, do I love him?  Yeah, I do.  Don't let that hinder your response, though.

 

However, good for you for breaking that cycle. Maybe that sounds lame, but my grandfather was less than exemplary and my Dad was the best. I was lucky.

It doesn't sound lame, and yeah, you were lucky.  I often think that I should have been my brother's child.  He's 13 years older than me, not quite old enough to be a parent, but seemingly too old to be a brother.  He's the total opposite of my dad, really.

 

Although be aware that completely shutting it out will shut you down

Yeah, I tried that and it didn't work.  It was pretty painful working through it all, but it was the best thing to do. 

 

You are going the "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" route and paving a better path for your own children.

I'm trying.  I'm trying to learn from my parent's mistakes and NOT do to my kids what they did to me.  Sometimes I'll catch myself saying something that my mom used to say, but not very often.  I just couldn't live with myself if I felt like I had damaged them the way I was damaged. 

 


All too many times, an abuser will state that it wasn't his fault, something drove him to do it

I don't know what drove him to it, and we've never talked about it.  To the best of knowledge he hasn't ever acknowledged he ever did any of it, and I don't know that he ever will.

 

You seem to have come or are coming to peace with it.

I am at peace with it, and have been for a while.  It's just something that happened, you know?  It just happened, and it's over now.  It doesn't happen anymore, and I've worked through it, so it's over now.  My brother, my younger brother, didn't deal with it for years.  He went off on a drug and alcohol binge that lasted all his 20's, and when he came back to reality in his 30's he found that he couldn't deal with it.  He's on some heavy duty meds for depression and is seeing a therapist to try and work through it all.

it all comes down to "breaking the chain"

Yes, it does.  And I broke it.

} I believed she was so unhappy in her own skin, she was going to share that unhappiness with me, when ever she could. I forgave her long ago.

I don't know why my dad was the way he was, Elie.  I truly don't.  He just was that way, and we all paid for it.

 

~just checking back to see if my question was answered~

take your time, karen.

I had to take Jake to get a mouth guard right after I wrote the article, and then I decided that an afternoon sunning myself at the pool was in order.  Funnily enough, this was a relatively easy article for me to write....it wasn't painful and it wasn't emotionally traumatic, which means one of two things: either I've truly got over it and am at peace with or, or I'm too emotionally stunted to feel anything about it.  I personally think that it's the former rather than the latter, because I seem to have no problems getting emotional about other things!

Speak away, Sabrina.  I'm interested in what you have to say.

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

It's just something that happened, you know?

I know.  Trust me I know.  Perhaps in time, I will write about it.