Questions about love

I don't believe in one right person for everyone.

I think there are lots of people who could be right for each other and lots of people who are definitely wrong for each other.

We all change and grow, and not always in the same ways. Commitment is what binds people when they begin to grow apart or when there are challenges.

I haven't been married long (8.5 years), so my "wisdom" (ha!) is limited, but I do believe in life long commitment for myself and I do think it's possible.

In answer to your other question:  I dont think so.  But I really do not know.  Are we Split Aparts?  Or is there chance for love after love?  I prefer to believe the latter.

You are yet young.  I suspect you are really looking for love.  You will find it.  Some are lucky to find it very young.  Others wait a long time to find it.  That you have not means you know what love is and are still looking and not settling.  And that speaks well of your understanding of love.

My two cents: (Maybe they're not worth much, since I'm young and still single - well, sorta - myself)

I think that you can make a relationship work with a lot of different people. I don't think that there's just one person out there that you can be happy with, and if you don't find them, your screwed. I honestly believe that you could make a relationship work with lots and lots (and lots and lots) of different people.

I know what you mean about scumbags. I've had some crazy things happen in my love life, like with my crazy psycho ex. Check out that story here if you haven't read it. but I promise you that if you're doing what you know you should be doing in your own life, eventually the right guy, who isn't a scumbag, will come along and things will work out great.

PS I think it will be awhile before you realize that he's the right one, I don't necessarily believe in "love at first sight" or anything that trite . . . but I think that you will know when it is right.

Good luck!

I agree with San Chonino, I dont believe in the soul-mate myth. I used to, but life taught me better. Turns out you can love intensely a few times in your life. Each experience being different and teaching a little bit more about yourself and about others.

I think it's a good thing that you dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of it and that you are ready to invest alot into it. I think you shouldnt question too much the intentions of the guys you meet. Thats what I try to do and it turns out great i've made some new friends that are really fun and my circle of friends keeps growing. So its like hehe!

I just say as long as you're happy it doesnt matter if you're in a couple or not.

Love, like most things in life, is an adventure. Sometimes you just have to take a leap and hope there is someone out there to catch you. If you fall and hit the ground enough times, you'll eventually learn how to roll and recover.

I believe we have many soul mates. They are not necessarily romantic mates either, as they can be both male and female. I believe I have been fortunate enough in my life to have met a number of them. While we aren't in constant contact, or even living on the same continent in some instances, we are always there for each other.

This leads me to saying I don't think we're ever meant for one person but we learn to live in the bounds of what current society mores dictate. At different times and stages of our life we require different types of love, just as we acquire different sorts of friends. We might not necessarily like hanging out with all our friends at the same time because we know they'll never mix well, but the variety is what we require in order to keep ourselves and our love for each other fresh.

I hope this made some sense, Sally. It is something I find quite difficult to write about.

Poor Dear Sally...

I feel your pain deeply, since it's the same thing for me, cept from the male perspective.

I definately agree that many of us guys are scumbags... and in truth it works both ways. Many women are just as scumbag'ish as the men, you probably just don't notice it because you are on the female side yourself.

I can't give you a direct 100% answer though... no one can. You have to find that answer, and how it fits with you for yourself. All I can say is that Love is something that will eventually Bite you in the ass...

I've had too many situations put in front of me of Love coming to a person (male or female) when they were absolutely against it happening... I know it's an odd thing to say but I've seen it too many times. It seems that the best Love comes to a person when they are 'Totally' not looking for it. I could go into examples but since they are people you don't know I doubt they would be as 'pertinent' as they could be.

Love is a fickle thing hun, it will always sneak up onto you. You I 'believe' (and your welcome to chew me out if I'm wrong) have already had love bite you by having you really care about that one guy who didn't feel the same thing back... That will sometimes happen to all of us.

Love... it's nothing that can trully be defined because your meaning will be different from mine, even if it's about the tiniest details... that's Love though.. Love is the details....

If I can give any real comments hun, it would be to not discredit any guy until you get to meet and know them.... some guys are true and honest and the best you could have.... and some are true total asshats.... I can't tell you how to avoid them, but I can say that the guy for you is out there somewhere... (Maybe he's a USN Sailor but we'll probably never know LoL )... Your too good of a woman for every single guy to pass up hun... Some guy will someday figure you out and you will be amazed about how things work out with him... And that guy will truly be lucky... trust me. Your definately a loveable woman.. dont' sell yourself short.

Hey Sally,

I personally do believe in 'the one.' Now is there only one that fits into this category? No.

The example I have heard goes like this. First if you are hetero then that limits approx half of the world. Then you have your core values that are not negotiable. This narrows down the field even more. Like for me I am Torah observant and therefore she must be Torah observant as well. I am very family orientated and therefore she must be as well. You will see this process continues to narrow down the choices. I don't believe in a 'perfect one' because we are all human and make mistakes but if you stick with the core values and both of you are honest then this greatly increases your chances of getting a good one. Now where do you find them? I don't know. My fiance and I were brought together in perfect timing. Never would have thought I would be getting married in Central Asia. We both are at the same place in our lives with the same goals and values for the future to continue bringing us closer together. So I say take this time and evaluate what is truly important and what things you are willing to compromise. Once you seriously thought these out DON'T settle for ANY less. The man for you will more than accept these but will more importantly honor them. When that time comes all this wondering will all come to an explanation. Stay encouraged. There is some bloke out there wondering where you are but has no idea where to look either.

AD

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to reply......extremely busy weekend!

Texas:

We all change and grow, and not always in the same ways. Commitment is what binds people when they begin to grow apart or when there are challenges.

I think love is something you work at. That you make that commitment to each other, and you sure as hell better be willing to work at it. Because we are all very different people, and we will not agree all of the time. If love was easy, we would all be doing it!

I haven't been married long (8.5 years), so my "wisdom" (ha!) is limited, but I do believe in life long commitment for myself and I do think it's possible.

That sounds like a long time to me! It also seems you are doing a good job, so you have plenty of wisdom in my eyes babes!

Doc:

You are yet young. I suspect you are really looking for love. You will find it. Some are lucky to find it very young. Others wait a long time to find it. That you have not means you know what love is and are still looking and not settling. And that speaks well of your understanding of love.

I would really like to be in love, who wouldn't? I want it to be right though, and not just because I want someone. I figure if it's meant to be, it will, when the time's right. I'm only young, like you said, plenty of time for all that!

My 'lil Charlie:

I think that you can make a relationship work with a lot of different people. I don't think that there's just one person out there that you can be happy with, and if you don't find them, your screwed. I honestly believe that you could make a relationship work with lots and lots (and lots and lots) of different people.

I'd love to think that there is just one person for everyone, and that's just the way it goes. I do think that you can connect with people in many different ways, and on many different levels. I think you can appreciate people for different things. Just my opinion.

promise you that if you're doing what you know you should be doing in your own life, eventually the right guy, who isn't a scumbag, will come along and things will work out great.

Thanks babe! You're such a darling! I hope you're right!

Island girly:

I think it's a good thing that you dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of it and that you are ready to invest alot into it. I think you shouldnt question too much the intentions of the guys you meet. Thats what I try to do and it turns out great i've made some new friends that are really fun and my circle of friends keeps growing.

I think that's a great way of looking at it babe. My problem is I do worry far to much about things, and where they are going. I need to learn to go with the flow a little more. Good advice, chick x

Maso:

Can I start off by saying I think you're absolutely lovely, and your wife is a very lucky lady!

Love, like most things in life, is an adventure. Sometimes you just have to take a leap and hope there is someone out there to catch you. If you fall and hit the ground enough times, you'll eventually learn how to roll and recover.

What a wonderful way of looking at it! Love does require alot of faith, and if you put enough faith in someone, the rewards can be more than worth it. I guess I best get jumping huh!

At different times and stages of our life we require different types of love, just as we acquire different sorts of friends. We might not necessarily like hanging out with all our friends at the same time because we know they'll never mix well, but the variety is what we require in order to keep ourselves and our love for each other fresh.

You make lots of sense Maso....thank you....that's all I can say

M-Post, I am so happy to see you babe! Where have you been hiding? Thanks for your kind words, you are far to nice to me. I hope you are right. You do realise the same goes for you, don't you? Some lass will see waht a sweetheart you are, and that will be it, she will snap you up! Take care of you babes x

AD:

but if you stick with the core values and both of you are honest then this greatly increases your chances of getting a good one.

Right, I completely see where you are coming from. In my head, I do have certain things I would 'like' in a man. I guess my perfect man. However, people always have the ability to surprise me, and my views are quite easily changed. I can make huge exceptions, if I feel something for someone. I don't know if that's a good thing, or not.

The man for you will more than accept these but will more importantly honor them. When that time comes all this wondering will all come to an explanation. Stay encouraged. There is some bloke out there wondering where you are but has no idea where to look either.

I hope you're right.

Thanks all for the kind words x

It's not easy to trust someone or for someone to trust us - take small steps, see how it goes - then take another step.
Trust & commitment builds - it's not automatic - get to know a person slowly.

With my 2nd husband (he was also divorced) we took things slow. It was 6 months before he asked me out on a date.
We spent time talking about the practical things.
Our parents were older - what if they get to where they can't take care of themselves - what will we be willing & able to do for them.
Stuff about the kids and did we want more, if so how many. What types of limits to set, and what types of expectations to set on them. How would we handle the usual growing pains all kids have.
Who would have the fun job of taking out the garbage & who would get to clean the bathroom.
We had conversations about money - what the priorities are and when to stop so we didn't get to far into a hole.
The boring stuff - the mundane things.
Last, we discussed what type of wedding ceremony, reception, & honeymoon we wanted (and could afford).

Part of it is asking yourself waht do you want from a man & what do you have to offer.
I guess the best thing I would reccomend is to find someone that can make you laugh - someone with a good sense of humor.
During some of the hardest times in our lives - we've been able to make each other laugh.

Good luck to you.

I think you're absolutely lovely and your wife is a very lucky lady

Thanks so much, what a wonderful compliment. But just so you know, it is I who considers myself lucky, Sally. There are certain people you meet once in your life and you can either be the best person you can be to keep them around or totally f#%k up and never see them again. Toni is one of those people. She has me wanting to be the absolute best person I can be for her. So far, she hasn't seen through my clever ploy.

I guess I best get jumping huh

It is either jump or be jumped

thank you....

Glad to be of service.

I don't consider myself an expert in love, but I have had many ups and downs with it. More downs than ups.

I believe that there is more than one person for everyone. They say that somewhere on this planet there is another you, a twin, someone who looks like you and probably acts like you. We all may have our differences that make each on of us unique, but there are only so many different personallities that chances are there are people just like each on of us out there. With that said, I believe there's a chance that the one person who you think might be the one for you could also be the one for someone else.

I have fallen in love many times. I always thought she was the one for me. Too bad they never saw it that way. It's all about following my heart, I don't just go for any girl. My heart does the chosing for me. When it's a person I like, my heart races, I lose words when I see her, Valentines Day is alway too far away and I can only think of what I can do to make her happy, treat her like a queen and keep her by my side for as long as possible.

But, I figure they all thought of me the same way you think of nice guys. It's just too good to be true. Even my present wife has always been like that. 8 years together and she still doesn't appreciate me. Her loss.

What I'm trying to say is that it's ok to be cautious with everyone. I trust no one, trust is earned not given. But you have to give them the chance to earn it.

How do you know when you have found the right man? Is it just a feeling? Is it something that builds up over time? Just how can you be so sure, that he is right? Or is it all about taking chances?

You just do, but not right away. How can you possibly know if he or she is the right one if you do not get to know them first? Only time will tell and it all depends on what you are willing to live and deal with from them and what they are willing to live and deal with from you. It's also about compromise, to a cirtain point of course.

are we meant for just one person. Or at different stages of our lives will we be attracted to different people. Is forever really forever?

Like I said, I believe there are more than one. This world just has too many people and land masses are just too far appart for there to be just one for everyone. Imagine there being only one for everyone but they mostly live on opposite sides of the world. What are the odds of meeting this one person?

And forever is a matter of what it means to you. To me, a line at BK's takes for ever. Besides, if there is one thing certain in life, it's death. So all good things must come to an end sooner or later. Afterlife? Maybe, but who really knows.

Look, it's ok to be careful. Broken hearts and hurt feelings are some of the worst things we all can go thru in life. But like burnt down forest, we all have to get back up and start a new. It's not over till it's over. Life itself is a chance, you never know when it's your time. In the mean time enjoy it.

I think there is one right person, for the different people you become over a lifetime. Meaning, that when you change as a person. There is someone right for you at that time. I have found this to be true myself. I've had three great loves in my life. The third one I'm involved with now. He's the greatest man for me now. I've changed so much over the years. That the person that I am now. Didn't mix with the man I was with before. I was with him for 10 years! We just grew apart as people and as a couple. He never allowed himself to change and develop. I'm just the opposite. I'm very open to change. Because what you did last year as a person. Isn't going to work all the time in the future. That's just my weird assumption. I hope it helps you?

Feisty:

Thanks so much for that. I agree that people rush into these things far to fase, and in the process they forget to ask the sensible questions. The questions that allow you to see if you can actually live with this person. Because that is what it is about, the day to day living. Two worlds coming together, and somehow managing to live in harmony together. I agree, laughter is extremely important, if a man can't make me laugh, forget about it!

Maso:

But just so you know, it is I who considers myself lucky, Sally.

Maso, it is comments like that, which make you so wonderful!

It is either jump or be jumped

Ha! Either sounds good....

Charles:

chances are there are people just like each on of us out there.

I'm not sure I would like to bump into another version of myself, they'd probably really annoy me, hehe!

When it's a person I like, my heart races, I lose words when I see her, Valentines Day is alway too far away and I can only think of what I can do to make her happy, treat her like a queen and keep her by my side for as long as possible.

I guess there is no mistaking that feeling when it happens. Our hearts do generally lead us in the right direction. Just aslong as we trust them to do so.

I figure they all thought of me the same way you think of nice guys. It's just too good to be true. Even my present wife has always been like that. 8 years together and she still doesn't appreciate me. Her loss.

See that makes me sad. I think maybe it is because I know I do the same. Just don't appreciate the nice guys. So some could argue that I deserve what I get. It is something that I realise though, and something I am trying to change. It's difficult when your heart grabs hold of you though, and leads you places. I guess sometimes us ladies are just plain silly!

What I'm trying to say is that it's ok to be cautious with everyone. I trust no one, trust is earned not given. But you have to give them the chance to earn it.

Trust is my big issue. I think everyone is upto something. They obviously aren't. It's just how I think. People have to build it up with me, like you said. It isn't something I give easily, but when y ou have it, you have it completely.

Broken hearts and hurt feelings are some of the worst things we all can go thru in life. But like burnt down forest, we all have to get back up and start a new. It's not over till it's over. Life itself is a chance, you never know when it's your time. In the mean time enjoy it

Thanks so much for them words. You just have to take chances in life. As you said, life is to short not too.

Timothy:

I know exactly what you mean. I know over the last few years I have changed alot. I also know that I will continue to do so. That makes me think that the people I am attracted to, or those that are attracted to me will also change. Life is about having new experiences, and taking on new challenges. I'd love to find one person, and for us to change together, and for it to still work, but life doesn't always work like that.

Thanks all for sharing x