The Purpose Driven Life, Chapter Twenty
Restoring Broken Fellowship
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Relationships are always worth restoring. God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict.
Since Christ wants His family to be known for our love for each other, broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers.
If you want God's blessing on your life and you want to be known as a child of God, you must learn to be a peacemaker. Sometimes we need to avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and sometimes we need to resolve it.
(But it's a real struggle to know what to do when!)
HOW TO RESTORE A RELATIONSHIP
1) Talk to God before talking to the person.
If you pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or He changes the other person without your help.
Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. When you expect anyone to meet a need that only God can fulfill, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness.
2) Always take the initiative
It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended. God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Schedule a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. Sin blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered, besides making us miserable.
3) Sympathize with their feelings.
Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions. Patience comes from wisdom and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. People don't care what we know until they know we care.
4) Confess your part in the conflict.
Since we all have a blind spot, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault.
Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Don't make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibilty for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
5) Attack the problem, not the person.
You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.
6) Cooperate as much as possible.
For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need.
7) Emphasize reconciliation, no resolution.
Reconciliation focuses on the relationship while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.
Christians often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree without being disagreeable.
God expects unity, not uniformity, and we can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.
Since Christ wants His family to be known for our love for each other, broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers.
If you want God's blessing on your life and you want to be known as a child of God, you must learn to be a peacemaker. Sometimes we need to avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and sometimes we need to resolve it.
(But it's a real struggle to know what to do when!)
HOW TO RESTORE A RELATIONSHIP
1) Talk to God before talking to the person.
If you pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or He changes the other person without your help.
Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. When you expect anyone to meet a need that only God can fulfill, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness.
2) Always take the initiative
It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended. God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Schedule a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. Sin blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered, besides making us miserable.
3) Sympathize with their feelings.
Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions. Patience comes from wisdom and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. People don't care what we know until they know we care.
4) Confess your part in the conflict.
Since we all have a blind spot, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault.
Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Don't make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibilty for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
5) Attack the problem, not the person.
You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.
6) Cooperate as much as possible.
For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need.
7) Emphasize reconciliation, no resolution.
Reconciliation focuses on the relationship while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.
Christians often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree without being disagreeable.
God expects unity, not uniformity, and we can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue.