Love Bites -- In Need of Advice

8 Months, and I'm Finally Falling...

from JoeUser Forums
I've liked him for a year and a half. We've been dating 8 months. He used to be pretty immature, but I liked him anyway. I used to wish he'd call me once in a while, not just talk to me online. I wished he'd buy be chocolate and flowers and take me for long walks in parks. I wished he'd take me out all the time, just to spend time with him.

Recently, he's done that. I never really asked him or anything. He was going to be gone for a few days on a trip, and he left early. So the night before he told me to leave my cell by my bed, and on, because he wasn't going to call me at 6 in the morning. I wake up to my ring "William Tell"... kind of a knight and shining armor ring. He called, for no reason, and it wasn't that big of a deal, but I loved it all the same. And it was at exactly 6 o'clock. Now I've got that... long walks in the rain, wearing his old clothes 'cuz I was soaked. Flowers, 11$ chocolate, walks through the field, movies, and just hangin' out.

We have and still do have a kind of odd relationship. We're more than just dating, we're close friends. I like that, a lot. But I'm afraid someday when I lose him or have to let him go we'll lose that. I've never experienced it, but I'm guessing it's pretty hard going back. We have so many memories... so many good times.

I used to be the girl who was all like "I'm not gunna fall in love... I'm just dating casually, just for fun." It's not like I thought it impossible to fall in love by any means. But that just wasn't me. I didn't want to be in relationships for that; not right now anyway. I wasn't the giddy, "pink's my favourite color", "let's shop at abercrombie", "oh, look at that hot guy, let's go talk to him" and five days later she's "in love" type girl. And I'm still not. Not at all.

But after 8 months... it's grown. Obviously it's grown. 8 months is a long time, and I'm so scared. So scared to love him, and to lose him. I'm not sure which one I'm more scared of now.

The other night, prom night actually, we were sitting in his car afterward, and he knows me so well it's crazy. He said after a while of silence, and a little kissing, "I'm not expecting and answer, but *pause* I love you" I'm such a moron. I just kinda sit there. He knew I wouldn't say it back. And even if I'm falling for him, and I do love him, I don't want to let him know that. I don't want it to hurt when it's over, for either of us. I wasn't expecting him to say that. Everything was going great, fairly casual, you know? It kind of took me by surprise. I've never cried in front of him, and rarely cry at all, but I almost did. I don't know why. It's like I want to give him all my love and be with him so badly, but at the same time I don't.

The next morning, I woke up alone, in my friend's bed. She had already left, and I thought about him, and the night before, and started crying. I started crying because it's all happening to fast. 8 months, and here it comes, all at once.

So finally I got what I wanted, and it bites. He finally calls me, buys me chocolate and flowers. I guess it's just the love that's bothering me, but I suppose I should expect that after all this time. I don't why. It seems so stupid, you know? Times in the past I thought he was falling for me, but it was never this real until he said it. And it wasn't even that bad that he was falling for me, but now I think I'm falling for him.

I'm scared to love, and it's so dumb of me. On the other hand, losing him would suck really much. He wouldn't expect it at all if I broke it off now. I've tried telling him how I'm scared to love. And he just has to be a sweetie and say "I've waited 8 months, I can wait 8 more." He doesn't understand it, the way I feel, but he's willing to be patient. Man, I never cry, but these past few nights I've cried myself to sleep, holding and smelling a shirt of his that I stole.

I want to go through 4 years of college, unmarried, dating different guys. I think it will be good for me to date around so I can get out of my box. He's my first boyfriend, and as romantic as it would be for him to be my only, and last, I don't want it that way. What if we got married. It's so funny thinking about that, because I'm not ready for marriage at all, and I don't think I will be even in 5 years. But let's say I didn't date anyone else and we got married. Will I regret it? I probably would, regret not dating anyone else. I need to find out what I want, what I like, and most of all what I need. For goodness sakes, I'm only 17.

If we broke up, I don't know how that would help. I know I'd still want to be with him. I want to see him, hold his hand, kiss him and be held by him. I know I'd want to flirt with him and be his. He always reminds me how lucky he is; how lucky he is to have me. I was looking forward to this summer. Long walks at night, over our bridge, horseback riding. He was going to take me fishing.

But if I keep it going, will it only hurt more in the end? I don't know what to do. I'm so lost... I don't want to be blinded by love, but I don't want to lose him either. But I know, and I can't change my mind, that I need to date other guys. I need to get out there more, dig?

My cousin said you never forget your first love, and that you'll never fully get over them. Is that true?

Sarah
1,434 views 10 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
So... he does all the right stuff, so now you're thinking maybe you should dump him. All too typical of female thinking... I feel sorry for the kid.

Good post.

~Buddha
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
"So finally I got what I wanted, and it bites"
lol. The opposite of "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone..." It seems like a no win situation for the lucky-now unlucky guy. Take your time. ;)
Star Control: Origins
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
All too typical of female thinking...


Interesting take, Dan. However, I think the fear of commitment and love doesn't tend to discriminate based on gender.

My cousin said you never forget your first love, and that you'll never fully get over them. Is that true?


I can only talk about my experience, so don't take this as the end all, be all --

Do you ever forget? No, just as you don't forget other events that helped to shape who you've become.
Do you fully get over them? Yes. There will always be a place in my heart for him, but I'm not dying to rekindle old flames.

That said, my advice is to simply go with it. Don't think too much, don't force anything, just take it slowly. See where it goes. There's no need to end it while it's still good. You're 17...there will be plenty of time to "get out there more."
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
That said, my advice is to simply go with it. Don't think too much, don't force anything, just take it slowly. See where it goes. There's no need to end it while it's still good. You're 17...there will be plenty of time to "get out there more."


Sound advice there shadesofgrey......

I'd go with that advice BigDreamer415~

By the way.... it took him 8 months to work up the courage to tell you his feelings. He obviously needed to know within himself where he was at... and you're feeling something as well, so run with it!

Wreckless.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
While taking your time is always good advice, don't take so long that you cheat yourself out of something beautiful.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
The verse: Pr 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life, comes to mind.

It is time to explore, but with boundaries. Don't give away your heart, and don't give away your body. The more removed you can stay from physical involvement, the better you will be able to get to know guys.

In my dating years I ruined way to many good relationships by "just enjoying" the physical. IMO you tend to stunt the growth of a dating relationship by moving down the physical path too far. On the other hand, it seems that you may have a fear of abandonment and a fear of intimacy to some degree. Start trying to grow through those issues while being careful to guard your heart.

Tractorman
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dan~ I know what you're saying. I'm not understanding myself very well either.

"Interesting take, Dan. However, I think the fear of commitment and love doesn't tend to discriminate based on gender."
Shadesofgrey~ agreed... Thanks for your advice

Tractorman~ Thanks as well for your advice. I am guarding my heart, and that may be a bit of the problem. I've always known to guard my heart, and I'm having trouble deciding when/if to let pieces go.

Sarah
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Try letting go of the past, it seems you have a few bruises....
meaning you have been hurt or have watched someone else get hurt. Let it go and keep the lessons learned.
Always best to listen your heart.

I have never forgotten my first love. I wouldn't go back and change anything, except our goodbyes. They weren't good ones and I regret that. So I have taken that bad experience and turned it in to a lesson.

It sounds like you have a wonderful guy.
I hope all goes well. :)
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
By the way, I never really gave any advice... I suggest what most other people have suggested; stick with the relationship for as long as its healthy. If it hurts you, then the pain will be worth it.

~Buddha
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Well, let's look at your objectives. He gives you those fuzzy feelings, right? We won't call it love, if you like. But that he makes you all fuzzy is enough.

What would you gain by leaving him now? It seems that you would definitely be hurt by it. The only thing you would get is the opportunity to meet someone else. But if you're already getting the fuzzies from this guy, why would you need someone new? It just seems like a lot you'd be giving up for not much in return. Best case scenario, you'd just have the same feelings for someone new. Worst case scenario, you'd be hurt, he'd be hurt, and the fuzzies you'd have for someone new won't be as strong.

You seem to be worried that if it goes any further, you'll be hurt worse when it ends. I'd hazard a guess that it's already too late. You're both going to be miserable when/if it ends, and trying to keep from saying those words isn't going to help in the long run. Ending it now will only accelerate the pain, when you could be spending this time enjoying it.

I'm sure you're probably wondering if there's someone else better for you out there. But unless he's a jerk, the feelings you've described are about as good as it gets. They can grow stronger over time, of course. But it's rare that you'll feel stronger fuzzies for someone else after the same 8 months.

Now, once you go off to college, things will be much different. If you two can be together, then my advice above still stands. But if you can't, chances are your feelings will start to fade a bit. Since you'll already have been addicted to your daily dose of the fuzzies, you'll start to wish you had a local guy around. My advice would be to end the relationship when you leave for school, but end it on good terms with him. Let him know long before you leave that you'll be separating for college, but that you're open to picking up where you left off if circumstances ever put you two in close proximity again. Be honest with him, so if you later decide that he really was "the one", there won't be a lot of hard feelings.

Leaving him when things are good doesn't get you anything. New guys are just new guys. Nothing more, nothing less. What you want are good feelings from someone, those precious fuzzies. There's no need to abandon your current fuzzies for some nebulous "if". There's nothing you can do to prevent getting hurt when it's over, and sabotaging a good relationship definitely never works. Just relax and enjoy what you have. As long as both of you prepare for when you leave to college, you'll still be hurt but hopefully what you have won't be ruined.