The NonDivorce

from JoeUser Forums
I guess in a case such as this, breaking up is hard to do.

It’s been reported on MSN Money that many couples instead of divorcing and living separate lives have chosen to stay together, not for the kids sake really but because it’s better for their financial status.

Sometimes because of the health benefits from the health insurance, and especially because it would cost a lot less to run one household instead of two.

Some couples are also not too keen on what happens when people go through a divorce, the expense of it, how messy it can be, and so they choose not to go through the same experiences.

Is it selfishness though? Because if there are children in the home, especially younger children, wouldn’t that be hard on them?

Of course the kids don’t have to really know that mom and dad are not in love with each other anymore. But kids are not stupid. They are sure to figure out what’s going on. As adults, one of the parents is sure to let it slip somehow, their dislike or something else that is usually said when the children are within ear shot.

I don’t know if this is such a good idea at all. Although I understand the reasoning for it.



The article written by Colleen DeBaise for Smart Money is linked below:

Link
6,731 views 13 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
There are all sorts of marriages and if people are still able to treat their partners with respect and courtesy, why should we criticize that they aren't "in love"?

I don't think it's possible for any couple to be in love during every moment of the marriage. Maybe this is a better alternative. Even people in love with each other will exchange nasty comments. That has to be confusing for a kid, too.

I haven't read the link yet. This is just my first reaction to the post.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ok, came back later and read the link. My first reaction still stands.

I will add, that if it's not an abusive situation, just falling out of love seems like a strange reason to get divorced. For the most part, I think that a lot of that feeling has some ebb and flow. What happens if one gives it time and it flows back in?
Galactic Civilizations IV
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
I know I couldn't be in this sort of 'relationship'. What about the obvious: sex? I mean, what sort of idea are children going to get if their parents are bringing it home? Nah, I couldn't do it. I would rather be honest with the kids too.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't know if I could do it either. It sounds logical, but I don't know. For me the emotion would over ride the logical.

If it works though, I guess that is what matters.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Well, on the bright side you wouldn't die alone.

~Zoo
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Before "no-fault" divorce, this was often the situation.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think it's possible for any couple to be in love during every moment of the marriage. Maybe this is a better alternative. Even people in love with each other will exchange nasty comments. That has to be confusing for a kid, too.


I agree with you that it isn't possible for a couple to be in love every single moment. There are times when they get on each other's nerve and there are periods of fighting that sometimes end up in divorce or nondivorce.

To me this is where the strength of a marriage would be, what happens after the fight...even if it's a really big one and they're hating each other's gut for a while.


will add, that if it's not an abusive situation, just falling out of love seems like a strange reason to get divorced. For the most part, I think that a lot of that feeling has some ebb and flow. What happens if one gives it time and it flows back in?


Hmmm. I guess if they do fall back in love, and I've read where that has happened to couples on the verge of divorce, the other party would have to be receptive to it.


Nah, I couldn't do it. I would rather be honest with the kids too.


Me too. It would be hard not to let it affect them somehow and if they are older, and able to understand what you say, then telling them is best. (at least to me)


If it works though, I guess that is what matters.


It seems to work for the people in the article. It sounds like a bit of a strain though, especially that mom who has to be in control of what happens with her kids, and what the father tells them.



Well, on the bright side you wouldn't die alone.


I guess not Shaun!! I doubt they would want to be buried beside each other though!


Before "no-fault" divorce, this was often the situation.


Oh...I guess having a nondivorce is easier as they said in the article.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
How about if you live 2000 miles away and the spouse needs psychiatric drugs and is underemployed?
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
How about if you live 2000 miles away and the spouse needs psychiatric drugs and is underemployed?


I guess they would do as some have been reporting to do, continue to live together, because of the need for the health insurance.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
I can understand how this happens. Do I think it is great and fulfilling for the people living it - no, not at all. I have had a lot of marital problems over the past few years. I do have to say that there were times that the main reasons I stayed was because of money and kids. I was completely financially and emotionally dependent. Even though we're trying to work things out, this is one of the main reasons that I am looking for a job outside of the home. No, I won't make near as much money as he does but it will give me some independence.

I can't say that I ever stopped loving my husband but I don't feel he was treating me well at all. Things are still not smooth sailing but I feel like I tried my hardest and if things don't work out, I can at least say I tried. I do have to say that I wouldn't want to live in limbo forever. At some point I think it's healthier to move on even if you take a financial hit.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have a friend who lives with her ex-husband. They dated forever, got married, were married for a year and a half before she realized that he was drinking and doing drugs behind her back. He refused therapy and treatment. She had enough.

She's still living with him for financial reasons. She drives his drunk ass to work out of the goodness of her heart, and she shares the apartment with him because she doesn't want to have to sign another lease when she's hoping to move two hours away as soon as possible. It's just easier for right now.

It's very strange. And very stressful for her. I hope she's able to find a new job as soon as possible so she can move on with her life.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have this really good analogy for this, calling it emotional poker but I don't have the mental energy. I'm off to the gym. Gah!
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top



I do have to say that there were times that the main reasons I stayed was because of money and kids. I was completely financially and emotionally dependent


I've been down that road before. Although I was financially independent, I was emotionally dependent, and I knew it would be hard on the kids. But there came a point when I didn't care enough to stay anymore, despite all that. When I decided I had had enough, we had a big throw down, the big ultimatum was given and we stumbled through that phase, made up, and things have been better since then.

I think at some point in most people's marriages, they go through something that makes it seems as if the love isn't there anymore, for whatever reasons, the disillusionment of the marriage is hard to swallow and is a scary thing. Especially when you look back at how long you've been together. I do understand for those who choose to stay together after the break up, but it wouldn't do for me.


it will give me some independence.


And this is a good thing. I admire you for taking that step!


Things are still not smooth sailing but I feel like I tried my hardest and if things don't work out, I can at least say I tried. I do have to say that I wouldn't want to live in limbo forever. At some point I think it's healthier to move on even if you take a financial hit.


I hope things will work out eventually. But yes, sometimes it is best to move on because there's just so much a person can take.


And very stressful for her. I hope she's able to find a new job as soon as possible so she can move on with her life.


I hope her plans works out for her too.


I'm off to the gym. Gah!


Way to go momijiki! I have yet to muster the energy!