Lust Is Dust

from JoeUser Forums
NB: not sure about this one, folks, but as I'm only practicing, thought I'd put it up and see what sort of feedback you can offer. All comments gratefully taken on the chin ;)

LUST IS DUST

Slowly spread
Grandiose
On a bed
Fullest pose
Under glamour
Chiffon and pearl
Heart a’ clamour for
This plain girl
Tho my mind’s eye
Sees Aphrodite
I can’t deny
My passion’s mighty

Biting down
On the fisted glove
A single touch
Is heaven above
This plain girl
Is more than simple
She’s hidden treasure
Under a wimple
My fortitude
Is tinder and clay
That will harden more
When she’s away

She is the dam
I am the boy’s finger
She is the reason
Why I linger
poetry
3,231 views 16 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Very interesting. I don't know what a wimple is, other than Mr. Wimple (or was it Whipple?) that used to squeeze all the Charmin in the store until he died.

I loved the line about the biting of the finger, mate . . . story of my life. And I bite that stupid finger hard.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ah... it brings back memories of high school or my wedding night. A dissonance between the turmoil and awkwardness of passion and the structured and elegant style with which the poem was written.

No. Beyond being pleasant. Innovative, unexpected and intriguing.
Galactic Civilizations III
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
OK, I'm no expert so this is just my humble opinion, my response, overall I like it, but my visual is getting mixed up.

Your title is interesting, but I would just call it Lust.......since I didn't see where Dust comes in.


Instead of 'Fullest pose'....Fully prone


My passion's mighty......My passion's might


I am the boy's finger.....I am the finger


Having looked it over again...I do see the relevance to 'dust' where you wrote

"My fortitude
Is tinder and clay
That will harden more
When she’s away"



Overall I liked it so don't stop writing!
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I liked it so don't stop writing!


Exactly! Never stop Maso. No way I could critique poetry but I know what I like when I see it.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Nicely done - I especially like the mood you create. - Moskowitz
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
San Cho,

I don't know what a wimple is


A wimple is a sort of bonnet, as worn by women in medieval times and still by some nuns.

Mr. Wimple (or was it Whipple?) that used to squeeze all the Charmin in the store until he died.


I'm afraid I don't what you're talking about here, mate.

And I bite that stupid finger hard


Ouch... I suppose you should be glad it doesn't bite back.

Don,

Innovative, unexpected and intriguing


Thanks very much. As I said, I wasn't so sure about this piece but I felt something in it that worked for me. Glad it provoked you in some way.

Serenity,

Thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate your feedback.

Instead of 'Fullest pose'....Fully prone


My passion's mighty......My passion's might


I used the words I did because I wanted them to rhyme...

I am the boy's finger.....I am the finger


You know, I wanted to change it to this, but JU wouldn't let me edit so I left it as is... Well spotted

don't stop writing


Never!
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Shovel,

I know what I like when I see it


I'm sure you could pick out the inadequacies in my work, mate. After all, you are a great natural writer yourself. Thanks for your kind words, though.

Buddah,

I especially like the mood you create


Thanks very much, mate.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm sure you could pick out the inadequacies in my work, mate.


Sheeitt...  

And Mr Whipple is a Yank thang Maso! As American as baseball and apple pie...

WWW Link
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
And Mr Whipple is a Yank thang Maso! As American as baseball and apple pie.


Yes, yes it is . . . thanks for the wiki link, Shovel.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Shovel & San Cho,

Thanks for letting me know about Mr. Whipple. I seem to recall a similar sort of character out here but who was nowhere near as successful as the Whipple character.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks for letting me know about Mr. Whipple.


sure thing. Anytime you wanna know something about toilet paper, I'm your man!  
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
Anytime you wanna know something about toilet paper, I'm your man


LOL
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
No way I could critique poetry but I know what I like when I see it.


It's how I feel, too. I liked your poem, Mark. Is it me or have you been a roll lately?
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Chris,

have you been a roll lately?


I've actually had a bit of time to work on a few things I've had floating around in my brain. My Muse is definitely giving out at the moment.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
My Muse is definitely giving out at the moment.


Ain't it the best when she's putting out?
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ain't it the best when she's putting out?


Absolutely, although I would like more time to indulge her. Still, I'm not complaining.