Reading Maps

Wed. Freewrite

I'm beginning to feel this way again,
and it's been this way since when...

do we suffer at our own hands,
I used to put dreams and goals into plans...

of attack, but now it's all reaction and with these bald tires from making so many damn turns I've got no traction...

and can't make it up this hill,
there's no way and no will...

outlining who gets what when I die,
regardless of whether who or whom will have eyes to dry...

out in the yard on the closeline,
and in due time Johnny Masuda and I leave our pants behind...

the walls and window shades writing late nights,
of our perils, plunders and plights.

I offer my solice unto anyone who could use a bit more than they have,
or have not had a chance to put themselves on the map.
art
272 views 6 replies
Reply #1 Top
I'm honored.

J.
Reply #3 Top
Pardon me if this is too editorial of a response, but I think it could be tightened up a bit...

"and it's been this way since I don't know when"

"of attack, but now it's all blind reaction,
and with my tires gone bald I've got zero traction"

"regardless of whether there'll be eyes to dry"

"out in the yard on the clothesline"

interesting imagery and transitions, though.
Reply #4 Top
Citahellion - I greatly appreciate the rare editorial response. this piece was free written so I didn't spend much time polishing it, but I never will turn down such constructive criticism. Many have difficulty following my rhyme schemes and it probably would be helpful if I ever found time to get to open mics where it would make more sense spoken.

Johnny - you're the man, and I'm always encouraged by your writing.

Mel - thank you for your visit, best believe that your occasional comments will be greatly missed.

Reply #5 Top
I missed the "Freewrite" subtitle the first time I read it.
The rhyme scheme is nice and straightforward, it's the meter that seems to vary rather widely.
Anyway, if you ever need someone to ignore a piece's artistic merit and focus entirely on syntax and construction, I am well qualified.
Reply #6 Top
Well citahellion, if I ever get a chance to finally write for a more formal publication I will be asking for all the editing help I can get...I may take you up on that.

Happy Friday