Have a few laughs on me
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Here we go again, nice way to start off the weekend. Hope you enjoy these two.
Why, Why, Why:
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Subject: Dad to the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he
was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue..
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic
style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
good one Philly.... 
....here's one for a guy who tries to help and is a true "Good Guy" as well:
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