On Blogging

My original blog was completely anonymous in the sense that most people in my life didn't know it existed, and those who did were not invited to read it.  Unfortunately, this created some friction, so when that blog site began to self-destruct, I decided to make this blog public.  But I'm finding that this defeats the whole purpose.

I don't really want to be writing a superficial little chit-chat of a blog, but it's also not that I want to get into the heavy issues of the day on a regular basis.  What I truly need is a place to vent.  I don't have any terribly serious problems in my life, but the day to day irritations sometimes feel larger than they are.  And therein lies the problem.

I don't think my mother-in-law would enjoy reading a litany of her son's faults.  It's not that he has that many--it's just that when he pushes certain buttons, even after all these years, I have been known to bitch and moan about him.  When I do that among friends, they understand that I truly love the man and they've heard all of the wonderful stuff he does as well, but they also share the same kinds of irritations with their husbands and we take turns venting.  My relationship with my m-i-l is very precious to me, but it's not the same kind of friendship.  We can joke about certain personality traits that the men in the family seem to share, but one of the bonds she and I have is that we both love these men.  So if she is reading this blog, even occasionally, I can't use it to vent about domestic issues.  Would you like to hear the alleged shortcomings of the person you raised, especially when you're only hearing one side?

I also have to monitor what I say about the girls.  While we are extremely close and very open with one another, there are certain things that I just don't want between us forever.  They are adults and are entitled to make their own decisions and enact those choices, despite what anyone thinks.  And if I should disagree, they don't need to hear potentially hurtful words that might come out before I've had a chance to think things through.  And if they are reading this blog, I can't think things through out loud here because they might only remember the inital hurtful part and forget that calm comes after a storm.  (This is not to say that there are any such issues--just that if I wanted to say things they might not be happy with, I can't.)  Some words cannot be taken back once they're said...even if they are mitigated later.  You somehow don't remember that part.

And my friends don't read this to hear if I'm depressed or lonely or bored or anything negative.  People want to be entertained and my amusement value is one of the things they enjoy about me.  But I'm getting tired of having to be the public me when the idea of a blog is to get to be whatever I'm feeling at the moment.

It is so much easier to write about negatives--they demand analysis and examination and discussion.  They lose their power through dissemination somehow.  And it's helpful to get input and other points of view, but not at the expense of hurt feelings.  That's why that first blog was so important to me--and why this one is more of a chore than a help.  Don't know how much longer I can do this--it's not doing anything helpful for me and at this point in my life, I have such limited interactions that having to censor myself here is just another stress and isn't at all why I chose to blog in the first place...