Tired of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
getting out of bed
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, by the very name, exhausting. It is not the being ill that offends me so much, the frequency and variation of the illness. Last week I had the flu-- this week the cold that never went away two weeks ago has become a sinus infection. And I do not get used to the variety and I will miss work when these things hit and sleep through class and feel miserable.
I think that I beleive that one day I will wake up and be better- that while I might not be strong or particularily healthy I will not be sick anymore. I can take it from there. Instead I go the doctor regularily- though I try to avoid going, waiting instead for the latest infection or refill needed and we talk about ways to build up my immune system and what supplements I can add to my daily handfulls of pills.
I get happy sometimes when I have gone a couple of weeks without missing class or getting sick for more than one day. And then when I do get ill I become unhappy about that. I am not depressed- regular meetings with my psychaitrist assure that along with the slight increase in my antidepressant meds just to make sure.
Mostly I am afriad. I know what I need, but I see myself as inept. I need a more regular schedule and more discipline and I need to put away my laundry and be more strict with myself. I am afriad that I will fail biology and I will lose my financial aid or get kicked out of school. I worry that I would not be able to work and that when I applied for disability it would be denied and I would be hopeless.
Sometimes I feel posessed. In the back of my mind I wonder if there is not some invisible demon sitting on my shoulder and taking away my strength. I go to Tai Chi. My chi is off the master tells me and I should watch out for my liver, but to work on those relfexoloy points he showed me. I used to be stronger than this and more resilient. I used to work hard and do things. I wonder why no one else sees the demon.
I spend time writing lists- lists that I invariably lose- taking inventory of my blessing and my deficits. I list what I need and what I have and what I want. And deep down I know that I will not be smart enough to go to medical school, but I cannot give up yet, so I look at different chemical modeling sets. I examine various graduate schools- library science to study childrens literature, and then maybe psychology? Where can I help the kids the most? I want to do good. I look at GRE preparation materials. I worry that I will not find a job or be able to keep one. Learning disabilities and chronic illnesses are not indicitive of success.
Some days I cannot get out of bed. I will lie there for a moment after waking up and I will not be able to move. I think to myself "How long will I lie here? Will I ever move? Is something wrong? Will an ambulence need to be called, and will my insurance cover most of it?" But then I either fall back to sleep or am able to sit up and I let the new worries get to me. Will I be able to not throw up today? Will I stay awake at work and in class? Will I be productive. Will I be happy.
Other days I will not get out of bed because I need to rest. I will be achey and tired and sick. I will throw up, but only little bits at a time, leaving multiple opertunities to continue retching. And when my stomache is finally empty I will continue gagging and ejecting the water I attempt to swallow. And my nose will be stuffy on I will not breath and the headache will be at its worst. On those days the demon tries to smother me.
Some days I feel stronger. I do more at physical therapy and I have hope. I will stay awake in class and have the energy stand at the bus stop and get the mail and be happy. I don't know if those are days when the demon is not as strong or bored, if I'm just learning how to hunt it.
But today is a bad day and I worry and I wonder what tomorrow will bring. But I am tired of the uncertainty, I am tired of being tired. I want my life back. I want hope.
I think that I beleive that one day I will wake up and be better- that while I might not be strong or particularily healthy I will not be sick anymore. I can take it from there. Instead I go the doctor regularily- though I try to avoid going, waiting instead for the latest infection or refill needed and we talk about ways to build up my immune system and what supplements I can add to my daily handfulls of pills.
I get happy sometimes when I have gone a couple of weeks without missing class or getting sick for more than one day. And then when I do get ill I become unhappy about that. I am not depressed- regular meetings with my psychaitrist assure that along with the slight increase in my antidepressant meds just to make sure.
Mostly I am afriad. I know what I need, but I see myself as inept. I need a more regular schedule and more discipline and I need to put away my laundry and be more strict with myself. I am afriad that I will fail biology and I will lose my financial aid or get kicked out of school. I worry that I would not be able to work and that when I applied for disability it would be denied and I would be hopeless.
Sometimes I feel posessed. In the back of my mind I wonder if there is not some invisible demon sitting on my shoulder and taking away my strength. I go to Tai Chi. My chi is off the master tells me and I should watch out for my liver, but to work on those relfexoloy points he showed me. I used to be stronger than this and more resilient. I used to work hard and do things. I wonder why no one else sees the demon.
I spend time writing lists- lists that I invariably lose- taking inventory of my blessing and my deficits. I list what I need and what I have and what I want. And deep down I know that I will not be smart enough to go to medical school, but I cannot give up yet, so I look at different chemical modeling sets. I examine various graduate schools- library science to study childrens literature, and then maybe psychology? Where can I help the kids the most? I want to do good. I look at GRE preparation materials. I worry that I will not find a job or be able to keep one. Learning disabilities and chronic illnesses are not indicitive of success.
Some days I cannot get out of bed. I will lie there for a moment after waking up and I will not be able to move. I think to myself "How long will I lie here? Will I ever move? Is something wrong? Will an ambulence need to be called, and will my insurance cover most of it?" But then I either fall back to sleep or am able to sit up and I let the new worries get to me. Will I be able to not throw up today? Will I stay awake at work and in class? Will I be productive. Will I be happy.
Other days I will not get out of bed because I need to rest. I will be achey and tired and sick. I will throw up, but only little bits at a time, leaving multiple opertunities to continue retching. And when my stomache is finally empty I will continue gagging and ejecting the water I attempt to swallow. And my nose will be stuffy on I will not breath and the headache will be at its worst. On those days the demon tries to smother me.
Some days I feel stronger. I do more at physical therapy and I have hope. I will stay awake in class and have the energy stand at the bus stop and get the mail and be happy. I don't know if those are days when the demon is not as strong or bored, if I'm just learning how to hunt it.
But today is a bad day and I worry and I wonder what tomorrow will bring. But I am tired of the uncertainty, I am tired of being tired. I want my life back. I want hope.