let me know what you guys think (don't read if you're squeamish)

from JoeUser Forums
just read below. any feedback will be appreciated.
art
37 views 7 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

She was so overwhelmed and frustrated that she just wanted to melt away. After everything that he had sacrificed for her, she could not do this to him. Sure, he had a temper, but it was her fault for getting him upset. She was afraid of what he would do if he knew. But he wouldn’t know—ever. She only had a little over one hundred dollars but it was enough for where she was headed.


She got out of the taxi and straightened her hat nervously, pulling it down. There was a hushed stillness in the smoggy air. She didn’t like this. She was out of place here. Having memorized the address last week, she walked toward the dilapidated building across the street.


Up until now,
she wasn’t sure how he would do it. He came back into the cramped and cluttered closet of a room. Seeing the object in his hand, she took off her coat and held it out to him expectantly. He took her coat and put it on a nearby crate. It was only then that she realized how it would be done. She felt a lump in her throat as she realized that this was the only option she had. She didn’t want to be here—this filthy, desolate place, but she swallowed the panic rising in her just enough to be able to reach into her purse and give him the cash.


And so it began,
with this dirty,
jagged,
untwined hanger, this unholy messenger of both pain and relief. She gasped as she felt how cold it was. If Hell were to freeze over, it would be right here—sharp, piercing, and terrifying. It navigated through her.


And then
it was silent. She laid motionless on the table, staring at a small crack in the wall. To say that she was ashamed was not enough. She was so sickened, crumpled, and weak that she had to be carried into the taxi.

“Where to, ma’am?

Where? She felt so lost. So numb. Her tears were hidden as she tried to recreate her mask of complacency. But she couldn’t. She could just stare at the broken windshield wiper straight ahead of her. She felt unspeakably horrible and had never felt so alone in her life.
Offworld Trading Company
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ambiguity in a short story is often a good thing, a way to encourage engagement in a genre that has so little substance.

BUT, ambiguity should always be in the service of, and strengthened by, a solid punchline - much like a joke.

The writing is good. Sometimes very good. Example:

If Hell were to freeze over, it would be right here—sharp, piercing, and terrifying. It navigated through her.


but you need that punchline, otherwise it sounds like little more than a paragraph in another, longer story.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks for the feedback. Not really sure what you mean when you say "punchline" and how it applies though.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
I assume this is a short story and not an extract from a longer piece...right?

A "punch line" is the raison d'etre for a short story, much like it is for the joke.

For example: The premature burial by Edgar Allan Poe.

The whole story is nothing more than wayward musings on the phenomenon of premature burial if it where not for Poe's punch line.

The character suffers from a sever type of catalepsy and has because of his condition has always had a suffocating fear of being buried alive. He goes to extreme lengths and measures to make sure that this does not happen to him but on a sea journey he awakes one day to find himself enclosed in a tiny space and unable to move. He's fear of being buried alive has finally been realised and God...the horror of it...UNTIL he hears the voices of his companions and the ships crew and realises that the tiny space is nothing but his bunk and his paralysis is nothing but the lingering effects of the catalepsy.

The whole story is a build up to that horrifying moment when he wakes up - buried alive.

An effective short story often has this structure. It's ambiguous in the main body but at the end there might be a single sentence that explains everything, ties everything together.

The best short story writer to ever grace the printed page is undoubtedly Jorge Louis Borges, an Argentinean writer. His short stories did not always make use of the punch line (sorry, that's just what I call it but it is traditionally called denouement) and ambiguity remained all the way through until, and beyond, the end of the story. BUT, he's stories were such structural affairs that the meaning of the stories where entangled in the way he had written it and what words he had used and how one idea or image related to another.

What I'm trying to say is that the punch line is what makes a short story a short story rather than a descriptive paragraph. Your story was more description than story. To make it plain: why did you write it and why should we read it? If we are to find pleasure in the construction of the sentences alone then we might as well read poetry.

Like I said though: I like the writing.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
hmm. thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep it mind.

I assume this is a short story and not an extract from a longer piece...right?


Interesting that you ask. It was originally longer and more of a political statement-- which I left out, after realizing how politically volatile some members are here. Either way, my main interest was knowing how visceral the response would be