You don't know me.

from JoeUser Forums

You don't.  Really.

I just wrote this in response to an article Dylan had written.  Some of you might be surprised.  Some of you might be shocked.  Either way, I don't think I told you this about myself.

 

"My situation is somewhat different in that I have the opportunity to go get mine any day of the week, legally. I could go to the ER tonight, feigning a headache, stomache, whatever ache and get some.  It's different because I have, in the past year, had to take my drug of choice for totally legit reasons.   I have some in my medicine cabinet now, actually.  It's incredibly hard to be good about things.  It's incredibly hard to see it, know that it's there, and shut the door and walk away.  The old me, the Dharma from 10 years ago, would have taken it all by now. It would be so easy to go in there, pop a few and sit back and chill for a while.  You know what I'm talking about....it gives you a feeling like nothing else. Like you could sit in a half dazed condition and watch and listen and see it all......watch the world go by and time pass and not give a fuck about any of it.  Watch the shadows on the wall grow longer and shorter again....and be cool with anything that comes your way.  See, my demon isn't physical pain, Dyl. The thing that makes me crave isn't a wound to my flesh...it's a wound to my soul.  Emotional pain makes me want to run and hide in the arms of my drug, the one thing that's always there for me, that never fails me, that always provides me with the comfort I need.  But, the emotional pain is still there when the drug isn't, and then I'm left with a choice...I can either do some more (which creates more issues and more emotional pain) or I can face my realities.  I choose to do the latter.  Because I can't afford to choose any other. 


 

I've been through rehab, Dyl.  I've been to 12 step programs and meetings and they didn't do a damn thing for me.  YOU are the only person who can choose to closet your desires.  YOU have to decide when the time is right.  Some people never make that choice.  I hope you do, Dyl.  The world would be a much less colorful place without you in it.  I (believe it or not) need you.....to see what I've written and to tell me it's okay.  Because I've never told anyone - aside from my husband who was there and carried me into the rehab place - any of this before.


 

So, now my underbelly is exposed.  My achilles heel, my weak spot, the part of me that no-one else has seen before...it's all coming out now.  I'm vulnerable.  And I'm waiting for the vultures to swoop."

 

It's true.  All of it. 

I told you you didn't know me.


 

1,014 views 9 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharma: I have a family member who has been through very much the same thing (it's much too long and involved to get into here). My heart goes out to you. I think it is very brave of you to share your story, and you never know who you might help by being so open about it.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

I think it is very brave of you to share your story

Thanks, Tex.....but I'm starting to think that it was a stupid thing to do.  However, that's all part of the demon...you hide it, you don't want anyone else to know.

So, this article will stay.  Whether I like it or not.

Elemental: Reforged
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
This took guts Dharma... I applaud you.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
No, I don't know you. But I read what you wrote, and I think it's okay. And I'll agree, this was brave of you to share. I don't know what else to say...
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Some of you might be surprised. Some of you might be shocked


If people are suprised or shocked, it is only because they are not honest about themselves and they do not have relationships with people who are honest with them.

Thanks, your honesty makes me respect you more.

Tractorman
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dharma, an amazingly brave thing to do. It also helps in your control. You acknowledge the demon, call it by its name, and defeat it daily. I understand in more ways than you can imagine. I am so proud of you. Keep up the fight.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

This took guts Dharma... I applaud you.

Thanks.  It needed to be said and done.

I don't know what else to say...

What you said was enough, and it was the right thing to say Danny.  Thank you.

 

Thanks, your honesty makes me respect you more.

Coming from you...well, that makes me tear up, T-man.  Thank you.

 

yes i do...

I think that you might.....

 

It also helps in your control. You acknowledge the demon, call it by its name, and defeat it daily. I understand in more ways than you can imagine.

From what you just said, I think that you have a very good understanding of the way this thing works.  It does help my control, you're right.  It makes me the master and it the slave...not the other way around.

 

The thing is, there's a fine line between usage and addiction.  I've been walking that line for a while now.  My physician knows, my family knows.....I've been honest with everyone.  They're all helping me, and I in turn am trying to help myself....and today, this article, is part of that process.

Thank you all so, so much.  You have no idea.....

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top

as you know, i too experience chronic pain and could quite easily slide down into those warm fuzzy places the pills offer, and never return.

I thought that you might understand....

if we needlessly cripple our minds with drugs too, we simply double our disability, and eventually, our misery.

Exactly.  My body may have failed me in some ways, but I will not destroy my mind too.  Besided, the pain I try to escape is only exacerbated by using.

 

the struggle is in remembering that monkey....time marches on and our memories fade...and the next thing ya know...you start thinking it wasnt so bad, that maybe you can pet it..."just a little."

There's the rub.  Thinking "i've been good for so long, that must mean I have a handle on it..." is a fatal mistake. You just can't do that.  Not if you want to survive, that is.

Some people need that constant reminder....it seems you dont, and thats a good thing

I remind myself every day.  And occasionally I'm make sure other people remind me as well.  Masochistic?  yes, slightly.  But necessary.

Honesty is crucial, my friend, and this confession here proves youre heading in the right direction....

Right again.  Thank you, Sabrina.