can't sleep
so i'm typing again
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I can't sleep tonight, so I'm going to write, lucky you get to read. Or just save your time and don't bother, whatever works for you. =P
In the past few days I've probably slept 18+ hours a day. Your probably thinking oh wow, i wish i could sleep that much in a day. Well I've been miserable and when I'm that miserable sleep is about the only thing I'm good for. Course, now I'm even worse and I can't sleep, I'm sleeped out.
Why am i so unhappy now? Well part of it is that it's night, i don't do nights well. At night my past haunts me, my future taunts me, and my present is blah. At least on bad nights, which this is one of. ok, change in direction.
You are all wonderful people here, and you all write such amazing stuff. And many (some? whatever) of you write about your pains, and this is probably a good thing for you to do. But through no fault of your own (and i'm not asking you to stop, do not stop, keep writing) this causes me pain. I read what has been written and I feel for you, and i want to help and comfort you (especially the women, but that's a different story). BUT I CANT.
I come from my own weakness and neediness in search of what I do not know, and i find people in pain tha i wish to help. But in doing so i hurt myself, and possible them, even more. The most I can do (when I can even manage to do that) is to say a few hopefully helpful words. Look I stranger throw words at you stranger, all better now. NOT.
I want to take the hurt in my arms, sooth their pain, say the magic words that will make it all better because maybe, somehow, by doing that I can find out how to do that for myself. I am not kind, my kindness is selfishness in disquise. But I do read what you write, and I do feel your pain, even if I say nothing (at least most of the time, i'm not claiming to be omniscient).
So you say i'm suffering from depression? Your wrong, it is beyond suffering. And I don't want to get better. I don't like it here but i don't want to go on, i want to die, i need to die. Death is all i can hope for, but it will not claim me. I can take no active steps to hasten death, only wait for it's eventual arrival. For arrive it shall, death is one of the few certainties in life. Sometimes i fear i shall never die, that i shall spend all eternity waiting for my death.
So how do you match the me that makes silly pointless comments all over the place to the me that is sitting her now? I refuse (or at least make a serious effort not to) to cause misery on other peoples blogs, that is their place and it is not for me to ruin. I can be funny and such, but that does not change that i am also miserable.
And the broken record makes another whine around the turntable, your welcome to step out of the auditorium whenever you see fit. Judging from past experience, now that i've grumbled my way through this i'll be fine (relativly speaking). So now I'm going to crawl back into bed and pretend to sleep some more. And yes, I will regret having written this in the morning, but there is little in my life i don't regret so i'm not going to let that stop me now.
How's the old prayer go? "Now I lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep (not sure, next part is take maybe) Should I die before I wake" well i wouldn't be all that upset, now would i...
In the past few days I've probably slept 18+ hours a day. Your probably thinking oh wow, i wish i could sleep that much in a day. Well I've been miserable and when I'm that miserable sleep is about the only thing I'm good for. Course, now I'm even worse and I can't sleep, I'm sleeped out.
Why am i so unhappy now? Well part of it is that it's night, i don't do nights well. At night my past haunts me, my future taunts me, and my present is blah. At least on bad nights, which this is one of. ok, change in direction.
You are all wonderful people here, and you all write such amazing stuff. And many (some? whatever) of you write about your pains, and this is probably a good thing for you to do. But through no fault of your own (and i'm not asking you to stop, do not stop, keep writing) this causes me pain. I read what has been written and I feel for you, and i want to help and comfort you (especially the women, but that's a different story). BUT I CANT.
I come from my own weakness and neediness in search of what I do not know, and i find people in pain tha i wish to help. But in doing so i hurt myself, and possible them, even more. The most I can do (when I can even manage to do that) is to say a few hopefully helpful words. Look I stranger throw words at you stranger, all better now. NOT.
I want to take the hurt in my arms, sooth their pain, say the magic words that will make it all better because maybe, somehow, by doing that I can find out how to do that for myself. I am not kind, my kindness is selfishness in disquise. But I do read what you write, and I do feel your pain, even if I say nothing (at least most of the time, i'm not claiming to be omniscient).
So you say i'm suffering from depression? Your wrong, it is beyond suffering. And I don't want to get better. I don't like it here but i don't want to go on, i want to die, i need to die. Death is all i can hope for, but it will not claim me. I can take no active steps to hasten death, only wait for it's eventual arrival. For arrive it shall, death is one of the few certainties in life. Sometimes i fear i shall never die, that i shall spend all eternity waiting for my death.
So how do you match the me that makes silly pointless comments all over the place to the me that is sitting her now? I refuse (or at least make a serious effort not to) to cause misery on other peoples blogs, that is their place and it is not for me to ruin. I can be funny and such, but that does not change that i am also miserable.
And the broken record makes another whine around the turntable, your welcome to step out of the auditorium whenever you see fit. Judging from past experience, now that i've grumbled my way through this i'll be fine (relativly speaking). So now I'm going to crawl back into bed and pretend to sleep some more. And yes, I will regret having written this in the morning, but there is little in my life i don't regret so i'm not going to let that stop me now.
How's the old prayer go? "Now I lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep (not sure, next part is take maybe) Should I die before I wake" well i wouldn't be all that upset, now would i...
I hold peoples pain close because it resonates with my own, it is really my pain I hold close, if that makes sense.
