Music Review: Frank Zappa & Moon Unit Zappa "Valley Girls"

Frank Zappa & Moon Unit Zappa

Valley Girls

Album: Ship Arriving To Late To Save A Drowning Witch

Year: 1982

           Moon Unit is into like,  fashion and her apperance, you know in the  snarky              “Valley Girls.”

             Rad guitars open the single, setting a gnarly tone.  In the chorus, she says a Valley girl can be found in the nearest boutique, looking for new clothes to buy. (“Valley Girl/She's a valley girl/Valley Girl/She's a valley girl/Okay, fine/For sure, for sure/She's a valley girl/In a clothing store/Okay, fine/For sure, for sure/She’s a valley girl/In a clothing store/Okay, fine/For sure, for sure/Shes a.”)

                 She says that Encino is like, the best place to live EVER! It’s got like all the best stores that other people only get to see on television. She can get the latest fashion whenever she wants and totally impress all the guys in school. The clerks are so sweet, too. They just get the clothes she wants and tell her how wonderful she looks. They all know her by name. However, she doesn’t know much of anything else. Anyway, she heads to a bar and like, a 40 year old hits on her. He immediately asks if she’s into kink. She’s all like “eww! Get away from me, you pathetic dinosuar!” She could smell the alcohol on his breath.  (“Like, oh my god! (valley girl)/Like - totally (valley girl)/Encino is like so bitchen (valley girl)/There's like the galleria (valley girl)/And like all these like really great shoe stores/I love going into like clothing stores and stuff/I like buy the neatest mini-skirts and stuff/Its like so bitchen cause like everybody’s like/Super-super nice/It’s like so bitchen/On Ventura, there she goes/She just bought some bitchen clothes/Tosses her head ‘ flips her hair/She got a whole bunch of nothin’ in there/Anyway, he goes are you into s and m?/I go, oh right..Could you like just picture me in like a leather teddy/Yeah right, hurt me, hurt me/I'm sure! No way!/He was like freaking me out/He called me a beastie/That's ‘cause like he was totally blitzed/He goes like bag your face!/I'm sure!.”)

            In the second chorus, she adds that Valley Girls try to maintain an innocent, All-American girl reputation even though it’s the opposite. (“Valley girl/She’s a valley girl/Valley girl/She’s a valley girl/Okay, fine/For sure, for sure/She’s a valley girl/So sweet ‘n pure/Okay, fine/Forr sure, for sure/Shes a.”)

       She thinks that the English would rather date one of his male students. It makes her want to like, gag. He’s so old! Then she thinks whether she should go shopping (again) or get a pedicure. Decisions, decisions. She decides to get the pedicure and like the lady is so mean! She totally wanted to crawl into a hole and just DIE! (“It’s really sad (valley girl)/Like my English teacher/He’s like... (valley girl)/He’s like Mr. Bu-fu (valley girl)/We’re talking lord God king bu-fu (valley girl)/I am so sure/He’s like so gross/He like sits there and like plays with all his rings/And he like flirts with all the guys in the class/It’s like totally disgusting/I'm like so sure/It’s like barf me out/Gag me with a spoon!/Last idea to cross her mind/Had something to do with where to find/A pair of jeans to fit her butt/And where to get her toenails cut/So like I go into this like salon place, yknow/And I wanted like to get my toenails done/And the lady like goes, oh my god, your toenails/Are like so grody/It was like really embarrassing/She’s like oh my god, like bag those toenails/I'm like sure/She goes, uh, I don't know if I can handle this, yknow/I was like really embarrassed.”)

            In the third chorus, she adds that shallowness is something they never grow out of. (“Valley girl/She’s a valley girl/Valley girl/Shes a valley girl/Okay, fine/For sure, for sure/She’s a valley girl/And there is no cure/Okay, fine/For sure, for sure/She’s a valley girl/And there is no cure.”)

       Chores are like, so boring. Why can’t her mom do them instead? She ends up ruining her manicure and ew, get the kitty litter. Yuck!  She introduces herself to someone from like, out of town. Just so you know, her name is On-Dray-A and not Andrea. The person asks her about her accent. She’s like, what accent? (“Like my mother is like a total space cadet (valley girl)/She like makes me do the dishes and (valley girl)/Clean the cat box (valley girl)

I am sure/That's like gross (valley girl)/Barf out! (valley girl)/Oh my God (valley girl)Hi!/Uh-huh... (valley girl)/My name?/My name is Ondrya Wolfson (valley girl)/Uh-huh/That's right,/Ondrya (valley girl)/Uh-huh…I know/It’s like... (valley girl)/I do not talk funny/I'm sure (valley girl)/What'sa matter with the way I talk? (valley girl)/I am a val, I know (valley girl)/But I live like in a really good part of Encino so it's okay (valley girl)/Uh-huh... (valley girl)/So like, I don't know (valley girl)/I'm like freaking out totally (valley girl)/Oh my god! (valley girl).”)

        She continues to say that she is so not looking forward to putting a retainer in her mouth. It’s got like spit and stuff. However, she’s going to have like the best smile because Homecoming season is coming up. She says like arcade games and she hates doing the dishes soooooooooooo much. (“Hi - I have to go to the orthodontist (valley girl)/I'm getting my braces off, yknow (valley girl)/But I have to wear a retainer/That's going to be really like a total bummer/I'm freaking out/I'm sure/It’s like those things that like stick in your mouth/

They're so gross/You like get saliva all over them/But like, I don't know, it's going to be cool, yknow/So you can see my smile/It’ll be like really cool/Except my like my teeth are like too small/But no biggie/Its so awesome/It’s like tubular, yknow/Well, I'm not like really ugly or anything/It’s just like/I don't know/You know me, I'm like into like the clean stuff/Like Pac-man and like, I don't know/Like my mother like makes me do the dishes/It’s like so gross/Like all the stuff like sticks to the plates/And it's like, it's like somebody elses food, yknow/It’s like grody/Grody to the max/I'm sure/It’s like really nauseating/Like barf out/Gag me with a spoon/Gross/I am sure/Totally.”)

            Moon Zappa’s smacks her gum and twists a strand of her hair with a dazed expression. Spoken songs are incredibly difficult to pull off. However, Moon is a pro. It’s hard to believe she was only fourteen at the time.

          “Valley Girls” spawned a 1983 movie (the title is singular) and entered the lexicon. Words like, well, like and you know can be heard still. For pop culture enthusiasts, the single is a piece of history that everyone must learn.

           The iconic “Valley Girls” is one of those songs that has to be heard once and has a deserving spot in pop culture.