One fine sunny morning, a Catholic Priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!'
I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on
the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed.

"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense."

Ya Might be a Redneck Addicted to computers if.....


Ya see the word "Zip" and know why you'z feelin' a draft.

If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.

Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.

Someone tells ya he's "locked up" and ya ask if he needs bail money.

Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.

Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.

Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.

Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.

Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonald's.

Ya have to ask someone how to spell .

Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.

Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.

Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive," yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back.'

When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.

Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk

Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.

Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.

When ya turn yer computer on, ya say "Come OOOOOOON, Betsy."

Ya think ICQ is how smart yer computer is.

Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.

Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.

Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.

Ya give Directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.

Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer."

Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer 'puter.

Ya see the word Download and take the shells out of yer shotgun.

Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters ain't in order.

Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.

Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie! It's Free!"

Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.

Ya put a quilt over yer screen when ya make whoopee with yer ol' lady.

Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.

Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.

Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the li'l flower on yer ICQ contact list.

Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.

Yer 'puter has a bumper sticker on it.

Part of yer 'puter is held together with duct tape.

Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.

Ya's in a chat room, 'n' someone asks where yer from 'n' ya reply, "My momma."

Ya sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

There's this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big mean trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I sleep through the alarm, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"

I'm beginning to wonder if you're the only one of us with any jokes, Ph00ey!

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held
up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "
"Ninety-three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world,"

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said:
"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

kthxbye, Nooooo...I just have a lot of them...well thousands

Hope ya get a chuckle now and then..and please jump in with a joke ya want to share!

I have been, I have been! I just haven't had any jokes I could think of fully-enough to share!

I'm terrible at remembering the things. Now if my step-father was around... no, wait - most of his aren't fit for repeating here!

I know what ya mean by that...most of the really best jokes are... shall we say just a bit off color...naaa their dirty jokes!

I'm keeping to "PG" rated jokes here...still some really funny ones!

Alas! If I could only think of some PG, or even PG-13 ones!

You will

In the meantime...

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little
while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.Then he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from
the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"

The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden
Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's
Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then
Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too
Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening
Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a
Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager
Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the
Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the
Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It
Infirmity.

I am absolutely just rolling on the floor! I don't know where you came from PhOOey, but I'm real glad you're here.

Mommmmmmm!!!!!!!! Where'd I come from again? Mr. werewolf wants to know!

Tupperware Party

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.
Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple
explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," I said,
"at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell
plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter.
"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

Letter from redneck mom to redneck son

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

I'm blaming Ph00ey as one of my primary reasons for getting nothing done tonight! ^_~

Actually I'm part of a devious plot to keep you from getting anything done!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

I knew it, I knew it!

It's even more effective than me finding a near clone for every theme I half-create in Hoverdesk!

I saw this on the internet a few weeks ago:
Two men go hunting in the woods one day. All of a sudden, one of them falls down, his eyes roll back in his head and he just lies there motionless. His friend whips out his cell phone and calls 911. "Help me! My friends dead!!"
The 911 operator says " Okay, now just try to calm down. I can help you get through this. First, lets make sure your friend is dead."
"Well, okay." said the man. There are a few moments of silence, then the operator hears a gunshot. The man comes back on the phone and says "Okay, now what?"

I strive to be effective!

Speaking of clones...

What do you get when you cross Britney Spears with a sheep. Virgin wool.

What is a clone child's biggest fear. I'm turning into my parents.

Why would you clone Osama Bin Laden. So you can kill him twice.

Why did Kevin Eubanks have himself cloned. So he could have someone to hold after sex.

Why did Shaquille O'Neal have himself cloned. So when he misses a free throw he'll get the rebound.

What did Jesse Jackson say when he came out against cloning? What fun is cloning without the moaning.

What do you call a Backstreet Boys clone. N'Sync.

How can you tell a Michael Jackson clone is real. 'Cause the clone doesn't look anything like him.

Why do the Detroit Lions want a clone? So they would have somebody they could beat.

What does a clone call a turkey baster, a microscope, and tweezers? A family reunion.

Why is it easy for scientists to clone Hillary Clinton? The eggs are already frozen.

Some One-Liners...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves - Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight- lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."


Calling it a night...say goodnight Gracie

Man, I thought I didn't have a life

I think he went way beyond the amount of jokes in my collection.