mmm.. maybe a bit risqué


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children..."You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

..

Two lawyers, Chuck and Larry, were having a heated exchange during a trial.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Chuck, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Larry, was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Larry. "I happen to know them by heart."

Chuck rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Larry, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words."

Larry smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Man," Chuck interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

THE HICKSVILLE UFO INCIDENT

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.

The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

Excuse Notes from Texan Parents

These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?

Actual Ads seen in newspapers

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.


Off to work

How to determine if your best friend is a wuss...

http://www.manbottle.com/video/How_to_determine_if_your_friend_is_a_wuss....htm

You have to type ...htm at the end of the link.

This is one of my favorites.

http://www.boldra.com/images/incoming/y2000/?f=salmon.asf

, 433 was good.

#434, I used to have on my computer for a while.

Two Liners

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
have?
Palm Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an West Virginia farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!

Ok, now for my ultimate favorite. This might take some time to load but it is totally worth the wait.



http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/joefish/

Sorry, I did not remember the bad words in that one.
I will pay better attention from now on.

LMAO, sweet

I haven't been there in months. They got a bunch of new ones.

Doesn't bother me I've watched all of them other then the new ones.

Plus if somebody reads 442 messages, they just have too much time on their hands

http://www.passitaround.com/greetingcard/cardgifs/full/ap/3024535/graphic1.swf

Keila! Weaksid!


Things that make ya go hmmmmm

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naive.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. does that mean that one enjoys it?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Wolf that was good

Good one mr. werewolf...I squished 24 terrorist!

TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your a** in here by 8:00!" ever again.


Lunch is over, get back to work!

LMAO, that was great

Idiots awards - 2002

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away.

DOH!

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
hewasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.

HMNN

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,
but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over
21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The
robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

End of the workday...time to go home!

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child
at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about
a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a
milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.