I can't use my shoes

Essencay I am having trouble with my shoes. I put them on my feet and when I start to walk they keep falling off.

Kel You need to be more specific. What brand of shoes are they? Are they running shoes, slippers, workboots, wingtips, etc? Did you pay attention to the salesperson when you tried them on? How big are your feet? What size are the shoes? Without more information I cannot really help you much

Essencay How do I figure out how big my feet are? And the shoes are tan if that helps.

Kel Color shouldn't matter. If you bought them at a legitimate shoe store, the salesperson would've measured your feet for you and had you try them out before you bought them. Where did you get these shoes? And please try to give me more information so that I can help you.

Essencay I bought them at Bigmart and the salespeople were wearing green vests with nametags on them that say 'Have A Nice Day'

Kel I am glad to see that you were so observant of the salespeople. Based on where you said you bought them, I think that nobody helped you pick out your shoes and you just grabbed them off the shelf. Other than being tan, what else can you tell me about the shoes?

Essencay Hey there's this little packet in the box that says 'Do Not Eat'. Do they mean the shoes or the little packet? Why would any fool try to eat a pair of shoes. BTW, the stuff in the packet really doesn't have much flavor.

Kel Thanks for the info . Back to your shoes or do you want to spend the rest of your life as a bare-footed imbecile vs. one with shoes on

Essencay Okay, Okay, don't have a cow. Your supposed to be helping me, remember. I have other shoes so I do not go around bare-footed thank you very much!

Kel Good to know, that was my biggest concern anyway. If you have other shoes that work, I mean, don't fall off your feet, how are your new shoes different from them?

Essencay Okay, Okay, I know the answer to that one. My old shoes are black.

Kel Other than color, are there any other differences?

Essencay Yes, Yes, I think there is still dried dog poop stuck on the bottom of my black shoes and maybe a piece of gum. Oh yeah, that would be my left shoe only, not my right shoe.

Kel Were you dropped on your head as a kid? Nevermind don't answer that. Look at the top of your black shoes and the top of you tan shoes and do you see anything different other than color?

Essencay Yes.

Kel Yes. And what would the difference be?

Essencay You know, I don't really know you. How do I know that you aren't trying to trick me or something?

Kel Your right, you don't know me, Thank God! But I'm really only here to answer your mindless questions, not trying to trick you in anyway.

Essencay Okay, Okay, the black shoes have some flappy things that you fold over the top, I think that's what keeps them from falling off. The brown shoes don't, they have some string stuff running in and out of a bunch of holes.

Kel Those would be laces. You need to tie them together to keep them from falling off your feet.

Essencay Oh...Hold on I'll try that.

Kel No problem

Essencay Hey, that was not funny. I almost broke my neck. I tied my shoes together and tried to take a step and fell down the stairs. So you were trying to trick me. You are mean and evil.

Kel No..no..no..no. That's not what I meant. I meant tie them together separately, not together to each other. Look Kel, sorry about the fall, but if anything hurts really bad or if there is red stuff coming out of any part of your body, you need to dial 911 right now.

Essencay911...think...think...think...Oh Yeah! I remember that number. That's the number that work called when they found me with my arm stuck in the toilet. I hadn't been to work for three days and they were getting a little concerned I guess. I really wanted to go to work, but I'd dropped my keys in the toilet and flushed. I figured that if I could reach down far enough I'd be able to grab them. Since you haven't been much help anyway and now my head hurts, not from the fall, but from thinking too much, I'll call them. If they could get my arm out of the toilet, then they must know how to keep my shoes from falling of my feet.

Kel You go ahead and do that. Don't be surprised if they're not too happy about it though. BTW, did you get your keys back?

Essencay No, now I have to walk to work. That's why I bought new shoes. The old ones are kind of worn out.