[fade in: a bunch of kids at a Jedi training school, learning lightsaber skills.]
[deep narrator's voice:]
All across the Metaverse, the empires expand their influence.
[fade to a wizard in a tower, practising a spell.]
These factions plot against each other, and grow more powerful every day.
[fade to a bunch of farmers, tilling their crops.]
But there is one group that every empire fears.
[one of the farmers looks up at the sky nervously.]
They are... the pirates. These are their stories.
[cue back to the tower - the wizard hears a disturbance and looks up, just in time to see a bunch of massive pirates crash through the tower's windows. One of them hurtles towards the camera and we cut to black as he hits.]
[Get some loud drum music going - every drum beat brings up another letter of this word on the screen:]
P I R A T E S
[fade in: view of space, with lots of ships moving past. The camera zooms in on an old corvette.]
subtitle:
Pirate Corvette C-85
On patrol in sector (3,1)
[Cut to inside the corvette. It's a four-seater model, the camera view's from the front passenger seat, looking at the driver. The driver's wearing a fancy red great-coat and a triangular pirate hat.]
subtitle:
Ralph Bloodnut
Patrol Commander
"I've been on this beat for five years. It's a rough neighbourhood, I won't deny that. And a lot of pirates are happier working on the dreadnought fleets, the ones that capture pleasure palaces and party on for weeks at a time. They're the ones you always see on GNN. But I'm not in this job for publicity. I'm here to make a difference."
[The camera turns to the back seats. First, it looks at a tubby guy, who seems heavier than a dreadnought.]
subtitle:
Dennis Brewbelly
Ship's Gunner
"I wanted to sign up after all the ads on TV. Be all you can be, all that good stuff. But the Army said my body-fat index was too high, so I became a pirate instead. I like this corvette job - it's better than a starfighter detail, at least. There are overlords out there who are quite happy to put a pilot in a starfighter, launch him into orbit, and just keep him inside for years at a time. Do you have any idea how cramped those things are? At least here, I get some leg room."
[The camera pans over to a tall, lanky guy holding a spyglass.]
subtitle:
Johnny Farscope
Ship's Lookout
"I used to be an astronomer, you know. No, I'm not kidding. I used to sit in an observatory all day and catalog star clusters. It caused a lot of problems at home - my wife called me a useless nerd. Out here, as a pirate, I get to feel like I'm doing some real macho stuff. During the quiet times, I can keep up my old hobbies, and try out some new ones, like perving on passing ships. Plus, there's no more problems at home. The wench I scored two months ago is much more fun than my old wife."
The corvette's engine suddenly made a couple kicking sounds, then returned to normal.
"Only thing I don't like about corvette duty is some of the old ships we get assigned."
Bloodnut looked over his shoulder.
"Oh, sure, it's an old Earth model, not very high tech. But pirates are supposed to be low tech, and we've got a reputation for improvising! If a pirate from six hundred years ago got the chance to use a flying pirate ship, with air-con and all, he'd jump at the chance."
"Bunny ho!" screamed the lookout.
The pirates looked, and saw a massive freighter slowly cruising past in the distance.
"Our first catch of the day - let's pull them over." said Bloodnut.
subtitle:
10:46am - Target of Opportunity
As the pirate corvette kicked into high gear and entered the space lanes, a red pirate flag popped up on its roof. Brewbelly and Farscope, their cutlasses drawn, stuck their heads out the passenger windows and started screaming "Arr! ARR! Arr! ARR!" in a beautiful tenor-bass duet. Most ships heeded the warning and got out of the corvette's way. Very soon, it was tailing the freighter.
Bloodnut waved the other two pirates away from the windows and spoke into the intercom.
"Freighter Marklar, this is GROSS. Pull over and shut down your engines."
The freighter fired its afterburners and slowly began to pull away from the pirate corvette.
"You see this? People around here, they just have no respect for authority. Brewie, would you do the honours?"
"Way ahead of you, boss."
While Brewbelly talked, he pulled a rocket launcher out from next to his seat. He opened his window, leaned out, and grinned as he let the rocket loose. It hit the rear section of the freighter, and blew away its engines, along with most of the lowest deck.
Bloodnut commented, "We really don't like violence, you know. It's just a tool of the trade."
The corvette tractored the freighter for a moment, to stabilize it, then pulled alongside. As Brewbelly wheeled out a minigun from a ceiling mount to cover the freighter, Bloodnut rolled down his window, and tapped on the freighter's window with his blaster.
After a few moments, the freighter captain rolled down his window, and a Torian head popped out.
"Licence and cargo manifest, please." demanded Bloodnut in a no-nonsense tone of voice.
As the Torian dug around his cockpit, he quietly mumbled some alien gibberish.
"Is your universal translator broken?" asked the cameraman.
"UTs are great, especially when I'm trying to pick up at nightclubs, but I don't use them on the job. Out here, it's all about respect. You respect them, they respect you, and everyone gets to walk away in one piece." explained the pirate captain.
Eventually, the Torian found his docs, and handed them to the pirate. Bloodnut scrolled through the manifest, then stopped at one item.
"This manifest says you're got 50 Rigellian fire-stones on board. Is that right?"
The alien swung his head from side from side and kept talking gibberish.
"A friend's holding it for you?"
The alien nodded vigourously.
Bloodnut sighed. "Look, I appreciate how difficult this is for you, but I really do have to take those fire-stones. If you have a problem with my conduct, you're welcome to file a complaint with GROSS Command."
The Torian waved his arms around and started screaming in a grating high-pitched voice. Brewbelly and Farscope covered their ears, while Bloodnut shot the alien, grabbed his body, and threw it out into space.
"What a waste." said Bloodnut ruefully. "If he hadn't made up stories about his family needing food and clothes, he'd probably still be alive. But I can't stand liars."
He leaned into the freighter cockpit and looked aft.
"Hello? HELLOO? Anyone home? If I don't see someone in thirty seconds, I'm rolling a grenade down there..."
A Torian head suddenly poked into the cockpit. Bloodnut waved him forward.
"Come on, little fella. Step up to the plate, don't be afraid. You know what? You people have given us a lot of trouble. I think we're going to have to impound your freighter. Now, if you people behave yourselves, we might let you live."
The Torian got on his knees and said something.
"The rocket launcher took out half your escape pods? How many extra people have you got?"
The Torian pointed to himself, then held up three fingers.
"Fine, get three of your buddies up here."
The Torian yelled out, and three more appeared, grinning like idiots.
"Brewbelly, if you would be so kind..."
The gunner immediately arced up with his minigun. By the time he was finished, there wasn't much left of the Torians.
"Was that necessary?" asked the cameraman.
"Let me tell you something. Things always get a bit chaotic when we show up, and running short on escape pods is sure to drive people into a panic. You know what people do when they panic? They break stuff. And guess who's paycheck that comes out off? That's right, mine. Those Torians were dead anyway, we just made it easier on them. And the more stuff we get from each freighter, the fewer freighters we'll have to loot to meet our quota. Do you see now, how kind it was to shoot them?"
Bloodnut sighed, and watched as the freigher's escape pods were launched.
"I guess it takes time for civvies to understand our way of thinking. There's more to the pirate life than what you see in the movies, you know. I'm not a stereotype."
"Are you sure you wouldn't be happier in another empire?" asked the cameraman.
"I thought about the other empires, a long time ago, but I'll be a pirate till the day I die. They'd have us doing things like memorizing arcane spells in old towers, growing crops on a mid-western farm, or putting up republican posters everywhere. With the pirates, I have the chance to really get out there in the community and make a difference. I'm a people person, you know."
As the corvette cruised off, freighter in tow, the same drum music from the opening credits kicked in, but Bloodnut cut it off.
"That's the other good thing about having my own ship. I get to pick my theme song."
He took a deep breath, and started crooning:
"It's still the same old story,
a fight for loot an' glory,
A case of do or die,
the world will always welcome pirates,
As time goes by . . ."
As he sang, and the other pirates hummed in the background, the pirate corvette sailed off into the sunset.
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