I'd be a crap girlfriend *sigh*
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
There are many things I am hopeless at. Many, many ways that I know I'm not perfect. When you are continually made aware of these things by someone you care about, it does start to irritate you slightly. I can't really explain my feelings at the moment. If I was to use one word right at this moment I would use confused. About everything. Which is an emotion I am learning to cope with. As it seems to be used alot when thinking about you and me. Where I stand with you I don't know. You act like you hate me. All you do is remind me of all the bad things, about how crap I am. Things I already know. So why do you bother? If I am that terrible and awful, if I have ruined so many things for you, if you can see no future with me, and you don't really know what this is, why do you bother? I really want to rant here. I don't know why. I'm just tired of these games. Of feeling insecure. Feeling like I am investing my feelings in someone that is going to hurt me. I've even offered you what you have wanted for a long time. It would appear that isn't even good enough for you anymore. So I need you to tell me what is good enough. You know what I think? I don't think it's me, I don't think I'm good enough. I need you to be honest with me. To tell me the truth.
You have already got something that is alot better than me, as you keep reminding me. So what is it you want? I know that I am just going in circles. That's what it's like in my head too. We are both just playing games. Maybe our feelings have hurt so much that it is just a way of protecting ourselves. It doesn't feel like I am protecting myself at the moment. Just feels like I am hurting even more. I took a big step with you, and you just seem completely uninterested. I don't want a boyfriend or someone to be with. I like my own space, my own time to do things. I don't want to answer to anyone. I want to be able to do my own thing. I do know I want you though. Which I know is a contradiction. It's not about wanting someone in my life though, or filling that role. It's actually quite simple. I just like you. As a person. I like you, and want you in my life. I want to hug and kiss you. You aren't perfect. I know that. There are things about you that really annoy me. I still like you though. That doesn't change. Without them things you wouldn't be you. I know this. To change them things would be changing you too. I don't want that. It works both ways though. If you don't like me for who I am. Then there is no point. I mean that. I'm not perfect. I do deserve someone to like me for the person I am though.
I freely admit I would make a crappy girlfriend. I am completely self obsessed. I don't plan anything. I wake up in the morning and my plans change every minute. I don't cook and clean, unless it is a life and death situation. I don't particularly want to look after anyone else. I don't really want to make sacrifices for someone else. I am completely selfish. I am very used to being single. To living my life as I please. Doing what I want, when I want. It would take alot of change for me to let someone into my life. My love is the greatest gift I could give someone though. Just because I don't feel I am ready for all these things, doesn't mean if it came along I would turn my back on it. I would do anything for the people I love. I mean that. Absolutely anything. If I met a man and fell in love with him, without a doubt I know he would become my world. I would want to share everything and more with him. People judge me on so many things. What I do, or more to the point what I don't do. How I live. What I spend money on. Where my money comes from. All of it as a package. They never judge me on me. I think you are starting to do the same. You want to see the bad. It makes me wonder what you are scared of.
I don't really know what the point of this blog was. I guess it was just my feelings on recent things. Over time I know your opinion of me has lowered. Though I have got to know you better and more about you. Though you have upset me on many occasions and I know you have lied to me about your feelings for me in the past. My opinion of you hasn't changed. You still brighten my days. You still give me hope. You're still the person you always was. I really care about you. That's all I have to say.
You have already got something that is alot better than me, as you keep reminding me. So what is it you want? I know that I am just going in circles. That's what it's like in my head too. We are both just playing games. Maybe our feelings have hurt so much that it is just a way of protecting ourselves. It doesn't feel like I am protecting myself at the moment. Just feels like I am hurting even more. I took a big step with you, and you just seem completely uninterested. I don't want a boyfriend or someone to be with. I like my own space, my own time to do things. I don't want to answer to anyone. I want to be able to do my own thing. I do know I want you though. Which I know is a contradiction. It's not about wanting someone in my life though, or filling that role. It's actually quite simple. I just like you. As a person. I like you, and want you in my life. I want to hug and kiss you. You aren't perfect. I know that. There are things about you that really annoy me. I still like you though. That doesn't change. Without them things you wouldn't be you. I know this. To change them things would be changing you too. I don't want that. It works both ways though. If you don't like me for who I am. Then there is no point. I mean that. I'm not perfect. I do deserve someone to like me for the person I am though.
I freely admit I would make a crappy girlfriend. I am completely self obsessed. I don't plan anything. I wake up in the morning and my plans change every minute. I don't cook and clean, unless it is a life and death situation. I don't particularly want to look after anyone else. I don't really want to make sacrifices for someone else. I am completely selfish. I am very used to being single. To living my life as I please. Doing what I want, when I want. It would take alot of change for me to let someone into my life. My love is the greatest gift I could give someone though. Just because I don't feel I am ready for all these things, doesn't mean if it came along I would turn my back on it. I would do anything for the people I love. I mean that. Absolutely anything. If I met a man and fell in love with him, without a doubt I know he would become my world. I would want to share everything and more with him. People judge me on so many things. What I do, or more to the point what I don't do. How I live. What I spend money on. Where my money comes from. All of it as a package. They never judge me on me. I think you are starting to do the same. You want to see the bad. It makes me wonder what you are scared of.
I don't really know what the point of this blog was. I guess it was just my feelings on recent things. Over time I know your opinion of me has lowered. Though I have got to know you better and more about you. Though you have upset me on many occasions and I know you have lied to me about your feelings for me in the past. My opinion of you hasn't changed. You still brighten my days. You still give me hope. You're still the person you always was. I really care about you. That's all I have to say.
Best of luck with it hun, hope it all comes out with you smiling