Disclaimer - as usual, this is all horribly out of date.
Special Forces - The Musical
(released overseas as "Karaoke Krusaders")
"They fight, they fight,
They fight, they fight, they fight,
Fight fight fight, fight fight fight!
The Special Forces Show!"
Location: SFS Retox, inbound to planet -CLASSIFIED-
Mission time: Three hours prior to orbital insertion
It was a quiet day on the boozer-cruiser. Wombat, Quack, Ben, and Ginata were sitting around a card table. Ginata looked up from shuffling the cards.
"So, how should we split up the bridge teams? Animals versus humans?"
"How about psychics versus non-psychics?" suggested Ben.
"What a brilliant idea!" quacked The Quack.
Wombat and Ginata stared straight ahead. "We concur.", they said in unison.
"Any word from the others?"
"Harel and Killa are on their way back from some mission, Jawsie's passed out back there. The others aren't gonna make it."
"Why not?"
"Hurls made up some excuse about stubbing his toe, and went to see Dr Quinn. Cyphs still has a sore throat from all those Bundy ads. As for the rest - they didn't want to come. Their publicity agents told them they'd look stupid on a mission like this."
"Pfft. We look stupid all the time. Look, you're holding your cards upside down."
Ben raised an eyebrow at this comment, but turned his cards upside down - out of politeness, if nothing else. Just then, Killa and Harel marched into the bar. The other troopers raised their glasses to them.
"Did you guys catch up with MM?"
Harel sighed. "Ah, MM, MM, you silly, silly, man..."
(Video killed the radio star)
"I heard you po-ost on a stupid thread or two
Lying awake intent on mass-a-car-ing you
If you were young it didn't stop my hatred brew
Oh-a oh
You took the credit for your second symphony .
A su-ure sign of your deep insanity,
and now I know for sure the problem's not with me!
Oh-a oh
I met your fan club
Oh-a oh
What did I tell them?
Harel killed the fan-club prez!
Harel killed the fan-club prez!
Troopers came and cracked your heart.
Oh-a-a-a oh
The troopers meet after another big pub crawl,
We have some M&Ms, there's quite enough for all,
And when we're done we put the jar back on the wall.
Oh-a oh
You were the first one.
Oh-a oh
You were the worst one.
Harel killed the fan-club prez!
Harel killed the fan-club prez!
M&Ms, they aren't half bad, melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Oh-a-aho oh"
Harel offered a jar of M&M's to the group.
"Want one?"
"No, thanks, I've got to watch my figure."
"You're a pot-bellied wombat. You don't have a figure."
"What'd we miss?" asked Killa.
"Not much, gather round - oy, Jaws! Wake up!"
"thash'mee name matey, dont wear it out" muttered the shark as he rolled over.
"Bloody hell, you look a right royal mess. What'd you get up to last night?"
Jaws solemnly looked into the distance, and looked as soulful as a shark with a black eye could.
(Yesterday)
"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Till I got a drink and couldn't pay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I’m not on the chair I used to be,
There’s a bouncer standing over me.
My hang-over came suddenly.
Why he punched me out I don’t know he wouldn’t say.
I spewed somewhere wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, I threw all my hard earned cash away.
And I've got more bills, they're on the way.
Oh, I believe in yesterday."
"Yeah, thanks for that, let's get started."
Wombat pulled out his Tactical Mission Planning Kit and began the briefing.
"Okay, as you know, the primary objective is to rescue a princess from a castle, represented by this red hotel. Ben, Ginata, you'll recon the left and right flanks. The rest of us will go in the middle." As he talked, he placed a dog and an iron on the sides of the board, and pushed a handful of other tokens towards the hotel.
"Are you calling me a dog?" asked Ginata.
"No, no, of course not! Ben's the dog."
"Oh, right, I'm the iron. The ironing lady. Is that how it's gonna be?"
Ginata put her hands on her hips and glared at the wombat. A bead of sweat trickled down Wombat's forehead.
Location: Medieval castle, planet -CLASSIFIED-
Mission time: Twenty minutes after combat drop
"CONTACT!" screamed Quack.
Killa dropped behind a pipe, and watched the enemy blaster fire streak past his nose. Harel popped a tactical nuke launcher on his shoulder with a maniacal grin on his face.
"Please don't use that thing in here. Dontcha think twenty meters is a bit inside the safety radius?" asked Ben.
"Those rules were written by a desk-jockey!" snarled Harel. Still, after a moment's thought, he dropped the launcher and picked up his rifle again.
Meanwhile, Jaws charged in and opened fire. Sensing an opportunity, Killa jumped up and pulled the trigger, but his blaster rifle spluttered and died. Instinctively, he grabbed a grenade off his belt, pulled the pin, and rolled it down the corridor. There wasn't much left of the opposition after it went off.
Killa felt around for some ammo in his pouches, but they were empty.
"Hey, Quack, got a spare clip?"
Quack looked under his wing.
"Bugger, I'm out of ammo meself."
The shark laughed. "This'll be fun, hey guys?"
"What have you done?"
"I don't think this plot was working. We're Special Forces - we can kill people with a shot of vodka and a dirty joke! It's not like we're at any real risk - we're not even fighting a major empire here! They're only extras. So, I chucked out the ammo. Relax, let's have some fun."
With that, Jaws started humming "dummmmmm dum, dummmmmm dum, dum dum dum dum dum dum dum" and slid off into the darkness.
"I wonder how Ben and Ginata are going?" Killa said to no-one in particular.
---
(click)
Ben dropped the rifle immediately, drew his samurai blades - and came face to face with a dozen guards, all with guns aimed at his face. He considered his options. He had renounced the ways of the Jedi long ago - but using his Jedi powers was the only way out he could see.
He looked deep into the guards' eyes and began to croon.
(You'd better be home soon)
"Somewhere in the dark
Some blasters are aimed at you.
My troopers won't step aside,
They're quick on the trigger.
And I know I'm right,
if you value your lives,
that's why I tell you
you'd better throw down soon."
Ben was about to get into the second verse when he saw all the guards had dropped their weapons and were crying uncontrollably. Grinning, he grabbed a pair of rifles and moved on.
---
Ginata gunned down two more guards and charged down the corridor. She'd spent so much time behind a desk, dealing with metaversal intrigue, that she'd forgotten how much she loved action.
She saw another pair of guards in front of her, let out a war cry, and pulled the trigger.
(click)
"Ooh, looky what we got here." said one of the guards mockingly.
"We've already got a damsel in distress locked up. Still, two would be nice."
"Yeah, let's just make sure she doesn't try anything stupid."
He pulled a can of mace off his belt, and sprayed it in Ginata's face.
"Stupid flowergirl." muttered the guard.
Something in Ginata snapped - in a flash, she kicked the guns out of the guards hands and picked them both up by their necks.
(Addicted to bass)
"I got two dumb guys in a great deal of pain
I'm shaking with the heat of my rage again
It starts in my feet, reverbs up to my brain
It never fails to happen when I hear that name
I'm looking down at your faces below
You must be really scared, they're as white as snow
Your fears, they're here on show,
You're afraid I'm gonna kick you down below.
Only at the end do you realize what a mistake
It was to think you'd stop me with a spraycan in the face.
You think I am so weak that I'd drop down in disgrace?
I'm not a bloody princess,
I'm totally addicted to mace"
As Ginata said this, she slammed the guards' heads together. She sprayed a wiff of mace on the inside of her wrists, sniffed it, then looked at the unconscious guards on the floor.
"Don't call me flowergirl."
---
All the troopers met up at an intersection.
"Wow, what a coincidence. How'd that happen?"
"Don't ask, don't tell. We've got a job to do, remember?"
"Oh, right, let's go."
The group charged into another room, and found a lone unarmed man. Always keen for a free lunch, Jaws charged up, ready for a snack.
"No, wait! Don't kill him! He's their leader!" screamed Ginata.
"How can you tell?"
"Look, he's got an evil moustache! And he's even twirling it!"
"Damn, how'd we miss that?"
The moustache-twirler realized what he was doing and put his hands behind his back, but it was too late. He'd been made. Quack picked him up and threw him into a chair.
"Where's the princess?" he screamed.
The man just laughed. "I'll never tell you!"
Quack raised an eyebrow.
(If you could read my mind)
"Well, I can read your mind, guv, what a tale your thoughts will tell.
Just like an old time movie bout a princess hidden well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong with chains upon her feet, you know she's kinda sweet.
And I'll never let it be - I'm a stubborn duck, as I'm sure that you can see.
Well, I can read your mind, guv, what a tale your thoughts will tell.
Just like a paperback novel, the kind my porn shops sell.
When you reach the part where the Wookies come, the hero would be you, but that's a different tale.
I never thought I could feel this lost and I've got to say that I just don't get it,
I don't know where I left my map, but the thing is gone and I just can't get it back."
"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything!"
"But I haven't even started yet."
"She's behind that door there! Just make that bloody duck shut up! Please!!!"
"Onya, Quack." said Wombie.
Killa interrupted them. "Well, we're finished with this guy, let's finish him off."
Killa jumped up to the ceiling with a lamington leap, did two chiko rolls and a spinning date around a cross-beam, and dropped on the villain's head with a perfect landing.
"Nice move, Killa. Very slick." muttered Ben. Ben gestured at the combination lock on the dungeon door. "But don't you think we should have got the combination first?"
"Um... maybe he's not dead."
"Swing loooow, sweet chaaaaa-riott...." mumbled the villain.
"Bloody hell, he's brain-damaged. Onya, Killa. Really. That was just brilliant."
Wombat rapped on the thick metal door. "I'm sure Harel could do something good with this..." He heard a click behind him, and knew what it was without turning around.
"Drop the nuke, mate. It's only a door."
Harel sighed, dropped the launcher, and pulled some plastic explosive out of his pack. "Waste of my talents.", he muttered to himself as he taped the explosives to the door.
Ginata gestured at the doorway. "Maybe we should say something, let the princess know she'll be allright."
Wombat licked his fingers, brushed back his fur, and began to rock.
(Smooth criminal)
"Annie, are you OK
Will you tell us that you're OK
There's a trooper at the doorway
Can't hear you
Speak up now, Annie
Forget about the bastards,
They're all dead, they've carked it
There's gonna be a big boom -
Get your head down,
Real, real soon!"
With that, Harel set off the explosives. Wombat charged into the dust, singing all the way.
"Annie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Annie
Annie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Annie
Annie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Annie
You've been found by
You've been saved by
A smooth animal"
As soon as Wombat untied the princess' binds and pulled off her gag, she slapped him in the face.
"My name's not Annie. It's Toadstool! Princess Toadstool to you! What are you doing here? When my boyfriend Mario finds you, he's gonna stomp on your head and throw your body down a pipe!"
"Toadstool! That sounds awfully familiar - where the hell have you taken us, you stupid duck?" screamed Harel.
"You said she was hot." Wombat said as he looked at the duck accusingly.
"The only pictures I've ever seen were low-res! I didn't know she was an ugly mole! Everyone always said she was beautiful!"
Wombat sighed.
"When have you ever heard of an ugly princess? Hmm? You just fell for their publicity machine. Look, this is getting stupid. Seriously. Pack it up, troopers, we're going home. And remind me never to do a musical again."
Location: SFS Retox, inbound to SF-HQ
Mission time: Six hours after dustoff
Killa sat in a corner of the Retox pub, thinking about the mission. He'd been promised a musical, but all he'd heard were cheap ripoffs. And where was the grand finale? These philistines had no taste for culture. He pulled out a eucalyptus leaf, folded it, and began to blow it for a few seconds, playing some old show tunes. Then, he shrugged to himself, and started chewing on the leaf. He had nothing better to do right now, a good hallucination might be just what he needed...
***
Kiletta looked stunning in her red dress as she cruised down the highway in her sporty convertible. The rest of the Special Forces were crammed into the seats around her, each with a glass of pinot. Of course, not a drop of pinot had been spilled on the entire trip. Kiletta was the smoothest driver in the world, and the troopers had been taught how to hold their glasses properly by a doctor of culture.
All the troopers started clapping and singing in unison.
(Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
"Oh! you! pretty Kil-li-et-ta,
Kil-li Kil-li et-ta, we love you!
And our pretty Kil-li-et-ta,
Kil-li Kil-li et-ta, loves us too!
High! low! an-y-where we go,
on Kil-li Kil-li we de - pend.
Bang bang, Kil-li Kil-li et-ta,
our fine four-legged friend.
You are just so wonderful;
a gorgeous young animal,
A lovab-le koala, fair and lean!"
Dick Van Dyke (or was it Harel?) put his hand on Kiletta's thigh. Kiletta smiled, and kept driving.
***
Jaws and Wombat tried to ignore the drugged koala in the corner as they sipped on some wine.
"Don't you want to kick that guy out?" they asked Piers.
Piers shrugged. "Ah, he's good for business. When he's drugged up like this, he forgets that eucalyptus leaves really do grow on trees. I'm making a fortune off him." Piers grabbed a plastic bag full of leaves, and went over to sell a fresh batch to Killa.
"I still don't see why we had to call off the mission." Jaws muttered to the wombat.
"You saw the princess. Bloody hell. If we're seen with her sort, it'd damage our reputation."
"Carn, mate. Be honest with me - you hit on moles like that in your younger days, didn't you?"
"I've never, ever, cracked on moles! " Wombat said defiantly.
"What, never?"
"No, never!"
"What, never?" sang out the duck.
"Hardly ever!" Wombat admitted sheepishly.
Killa looked up. Finally, he thought to himself, a proper musical number for the grand finale. Bout time too. He rolled off his couch, got up on one knee, and sang "He's hardly ever cracked on moles!"
All the other troopers looked at him curiously, then went back to nursing their drinks. Killa smashed a bottle of pinot against the wall in frustration.
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Welcome to the home of Special Forces. 
(:( I see how it is, Mr. Hurley. Goobers are like nerds, but with more boogers. Something like that. I don't care anymore! You've broken my Evil heart! I'm running away! Don't come after me either!
