Do I Need Medications to Numb my Flawed Personality?
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Last Sunday sitting with my class in sharing time we were enjoying a lesson by Patricia Martin. At the end of her lesson she closed with "...amen." followed by a chorus of little amens, and from behind me I heard, "amen, Mommy." I thought that was cute, so I turned around and smiled at her. The sweet little girl's response to my smile was, "What? She's my mom!" I said, "I know, it was just cute, because you're the only one in the room who could've said that." I smiled again and turned back around. Then she said to her friend next to her, perfectly audible to me, "Adults have big teeth."
I wasn't in an easily offended mood that day, rather I was feeling very calm and humble, and sensitive. I took her remark for what it was worth. After all she's seven. Everyone in her family is very down-to-earth, intelligent, and realist, so I appreciate manifestations of those qualities in anyone. So her little bit of sass didn't bother me, it just humbled me. Yep, on an average day I'm no beauty, and since my teeth are a topic of conversation, I admit I ought to take better care of them. They ain't pretty either. This little girl seems to think I'm weird anyway because, well, I am. I'm easily intimidated by people like her family who are very emotionally secure. So I'm intimidated by the majority of people really. Every time I have a brush with anyone in her family, I'm awkward and fumbly. Never mind that I got off on the wrong foot with them when we met, then made mistakes after that.
That day I was feeling remarkably well, meaning that I remembered and cared enough about such an inconsequential exchange that it stirred feelings in me, promptimg me to write it down so that I ought to explain my feelings about certain odd things. Although the fact that I was feeling emotionally well that day didn't make much of a difference to anyone else, I suppose anyone who would have taken the time to notice may have appreciated that I was able to hold normal conversations without stammering, fumbling, and breaking a sweat. Normal human interaction. Lots of people take that for granted.
The gospel really lifts me up sometimes when all my emotional factors are properly aligned. It's hormonal. I enjoy it while it lasts, honing all the strength it gives me, then brace myself for the next plunge. My husband would agree, I spend most of my days in the doldrums. After three years he's just begun to catch onto my mood patterns.
This week and times like these I have the energy and the drive to do things like whipping the house into shape, do shopping and errands, visit friends, and hey, why not start a blog. I baked muffins. Then I decided that they were so good, I tripled the recipe and delivered surprise muffins to some friends. I so rarely cook anything. Things that most people consider normal and can be done any old day, I can only really function about a few days or a week out of the month. And when I do, it's a whirlwind of activity. I can't rest or stop. Yesterday I was physically wiped out from my nonstop running around, so I tried to nap with Michael. But I just couldn't stop my mind from racing so I got up and did yoga. That was actually just what I needed, and I felt better than I would've if I'd taken a nap. What do I do most days when I don't function as well? It's not a whirlwind of activity, it's a little here, a little there, with a lot of resting in between. I wish I could always feel like I feel now. Lots of people function at a high level. I used to.
Medications? I've tried some, but what I know so far is that Paxil and Celexa don't do the trick for me. Stacy told me that there is an LDS psychiatrist at Landstuhl hospital who I can see with a referral from my doctor. Well, I've got a referral from my doctor to see a psychiatrist, so I hope that I can request this doctor! Stacy says his name is Dr. Franco.
posted by Angela Marie at 8:10 PM
Last Sunday sitting with my class in sharing time we were enjoying a lesson by Patricia Martin. At the end of her lesson she closed with "...amen." followed by a chorus of little amens, and from behind me I heard, "amen, Mommy." I thought that was cute, so I turned around and smiled at her. The sweet little girl's response to my smile was, "What? She's my mom!" I said, "I know, it was just cute, because you're the only one in the room who could've said that." I smiled again and turned back around. Then she said to her friend next to her, perfectly audible to me, "Adults have big teeth."
I wasn't in an easily offended mood that day, rather I was feeling very calm and humble, and sensitive. I took her remark for what it was worth. After all she's seven. Everyone in her family is very down-to-earth, intelligent, and realist, so I appreciate manifestations of those qualities in anyone. So her little bit of sass didn't bother me, it just humbled me. Yep, on an average day I'm no beauty, and since my teeth are a topic of conversation, I admit I ought to take better care of them. They ain't pretty either. This little girl seems to think I'm weird anyway because, well, I am. I'm easily intimidated by people like her family who are very emotionally secure. So I'm intimidated by the majority of people really. Every time I have a brush with anyone in her family, I'm awkward and fumbly. Never mind that I got off on the wrong foot with them when we met, then made mistakes after that.
That day I was feeling remarkably well, meaning that I remembered and cared enough about such an inconsequential exchange that it stirred feelings in me, promptimg me to write it down so that I ought to explain my feelings about certain odd things. Although the fact that I was feeling emotionally well that day didn't make much of a difference to anyone else, I suppose anyone who would have taken the time to notice may have appreciated that I was able to hold normal conversations without stammering, fumbling, and breaking a sweat. Normal human interaction. Lots of people take that for granted.
The gospel really lifts me up sometimes when all my emotional factors are properly aligned. It's hormonal. I enjoy it while it lasts, honing all the strength it gives me, then brace myself for the next plunge. My husband would agree, I spend most of my days in the doldrums. After three years he's just begun to catch onto my mood patterns.
This week and times like these I have the energy and the drive to do things like whipping the house into shape, do shopping and errands, visit friends, and hey, why not start a blog. I baked muffins. Then I decided that they were so good, I tripled the recipe and delivered surprise muffins to some friends. I so rarely cook anything. Things that most people consider normal and can be done any old day, I can only really function about a few days or a week out of the month. And when I do, it's a whirlwind of activity. I can't rest or stop. Yesterday I was physically wiped out from my nonstop running around, so I tried to nap with Michael. But I just couldn't stop my mind from racing so I got up and did yoga. That was actually just what I needed, and I felt better than I would've if I'd taken a nap. What do I do most days when I don't function as well? It's not a whirlwind of activity, it's a little here, a little there, with a lot of resting in between. I wish I could always feel like I feel now. Lots of people function at a high level. I used to.
Medications? I've tried some, but what I know so far is that Paxil and Celexa don't do the trick for me. Stacy told me that there is an LDS psychiatrist at Landstuhl hospital who I can see with a referral from my doctor. Well, I've got a referral from my doctor to see a psychiatrist, so I hope that I can request this doctor! Stacy says his name is Dr. Franco.
posted by Angela Marie at 8:10 PM