My Night at the Schloss Hotel

from JoeUser Forums
It was beautiful, clean, posh. And blissfully quiet. Just me. No husband snoring, no baby screaming & pulling my hair all night. No cat meowing or walking all over me.

I stormed out of the house after packing my bags. In the process of my tantrum, I'd torn the hinges off the closet door, shattered the fluorescent light stick above the vanity, thrown the rocking chair across the room. I drove to the castle and had a nice night to think things over.

John likes pornography more than he likes me. We had been doing so well. I even gave in to him last weekend. We were planning to have another child. In fact, I may be 1 week pregnant at this very moment. I'm pissed. I just know that if John doesn't give up pornography, then our precious little Michael will be highly likely to succumb to its pernicious attractions. It disgusts me to the point of my soul being eaten alive by the acidic hatred I have for this disgustingness.

What does John want? He loves his hand and his make-believe picture people more than he wants me. He seizes every little opportunity to have a session with his laptop. He's even seized the opportunity when he & Baby Michael were home together, without me. Michael wasn't even asleep. He was buzzing around the house. Can you picture it?!?! John, sitting there jacking off in front of the computer, while our very alert 21-month-old Michael looks on in wonder. I just want to murder John. I want him to be dead. Absolutely stone-dead. And I want his death to be painful. Just like the slow, festering pain that he's causing our family.
2,361 views 9 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I just want to murder John. I want him to be dead. Absolutely stone-dead. And I want his death to be painful. Just like the slow, festering pain that he's causing our family.


AngelaMarie, now I know why you've called your blogg "bittersweet." You've got some fair contrasts in your articles, a bit like in each of our lives, and it takes a strong character to bare your soul like that.

Do you still feel the same today, or are things settling a bit?
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Angela, I hope you got to read my posting before it went **poof** into the dark matter of cyberspace. If not, let me know, I'll try to put it together in my head and type it out again.
Offworld Trading Company
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yes, ParaTed2k, I did read your comment before it went **poof** into the dark matter of cyberspace. (What's up with that?) I'm especially holding over John's head the fact you pointed out: masturbating in front of our baby = big trouble for John if I decide to tell his military superiors about it. Ha!
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Somehow I knew you would catch the implication (hope it helps, but until he gets addiction counseling, it probably won't.). Glad you got to read it pre-POOF.

(((((Angela))))))
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm wishing i had the magic words to say that would fix it all. As it is, I have nothing useful to offer you but my friendship and support....you know my email if you ever need to talk.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
How come no one is asking how long John had gone without before this episode? Angela likes to say that I like the computer people more than her but she fails to add that I aske, even tried to be intimate with her on numerous accounts. We hadn't had sex for 9 months before march 2nd, and another 9 months before that. Now, I don't know how many of Angela's readers are male, or for that matter even women who have sexual realtions with their husbands, but I'm sure that anyone would agree that one day on, nine months off is a little out of whack. She gets almost anything ahe wants, and I am a wonderful father to Michael, but I don't recieve the acknowledgement or validation I deserve. She sees me as a monster when all I do is spend my time making life for my family bearable. I'm always striving to make myself smarter by going to school, and I'm helping with our sunday school class when I'm not at work. I've better myself in leaps and bounds, all because I want to have my family and make it work. Angela knows that I would do anything for her and Michael, in reality she's the one who sabotages us.

John
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
All right. The previous comment was from my husband, not from me, AngelaMarie88. Touche' John. True, I hadn't given you sex for nine months. I hate sex with you. I'm trying to get you to kick me out of your life and out of the house...but you just continue to make things so damned comfortable for me...

I'm living a lie...

I don't love my husband.

I hate working.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I hadn't given you sex for nine months. I hate sex with you.


OK, I'm going to step into this, and please forgive me if I offend you...

I agree that your husband spending all his time looking at porn (and especially with your son present) is damaging to your relationship and really, to him as a person.

Buuuut...sex once in nine months? I hate sex with you?

God, woman...your man feels completely undesired and emasculated! Be thankful that it's just porn he's into! You need to create some fire in your relationship...just as you need to feel desired and attractive, your man needs that too. Be adventurous...be kinky...sneak quickies..try new stuff...go out together...put yourself in the mood...in my opinion (which may not be all that valid, but here it is, nonetheless) a great sexual relationship is the glue that holds the other aspects of the relationship together when things are rough.

Bottom line: If you aren't willing to meet his needs...if you hate sex with him...you shouldn't be with him (and definitely shouldn't be trying for another baby!). If you can't feed the passion in your relationship so that you are both on fire for each other and both feel desired and bonded...move on. Save yourself (and your husband) the stress and heartbreak.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
It looks like this article resurfaced due to a great article by Sally Jacobs, and a bit of a misunderstanding got my article linked to it. Sigh.

So Texas Wahine, I ought to address your comment. I know I'm in a rut. I'm not physically attracted to my husband, (pimples, poor hygeine) and I was only attracted to him at first because I was starved for sex, and there he was.

For the record, I'm not pregnant, and as of now, I don't plan to "try" anytime in the forseeable future. But now we're stuck. We've got a baby to raise. I don't want to break up our home just because John has acne and doesn't wash his hair. I've got some issues to work through to become attracted to him again. He's my only choice. It's him or celibacy. And celibacy has no place in marriage.

We're very religious, and our religion tells us that pornography and masturbation are no-no's. I've thought it through carefully, and as harsh as it seems, it really makes sense to me that pornography & masturbation really are wrong because that's not how babies are made. Sex is for making babies. If society weren't so selfish and pleasure-driven, there would be a lot more children being born these days.

Anyway, we're working on it. It's all about me. If I'd give him sex, he wouldn't be wanking off in front of the computer. He's told me that, and I believe him. Sort of. I understand that wanking off to pornography satisfies very basic animal desires that men have, so maybe that's something he'll have to work on overcoming. But until I learn to enjoy tumbling in the hay with his acne-prone self, I just have to put up with the ways he chooses to express his sexual frustration. It's about me, first and foremost, then we'll deal with the pornography, if it's still an issue then.

Things could be worse. But on that note, that reminds me what I said about, "John, sitting there jacking off in front of the computer, while our very alert 21-month-old Michael looks on in wonder."

I projected that image onto the situation. After all, I wasn't there. I point-blank asked John, "Was Michael asleep while you were doing this?" He said, "No." I asked, "What was Michael doing then? Walking around? Surely he saw you. He doesn't go off by himself. He's always with someone," to which John responded with some uncertainty, "He wasn't there."

Well, I found it hard to believe that John could have made it through a wanking session without Michael not catching some of it. So yes, things could be that bad. That's the worse things can get at this point.

It's been a month since I wrote this article, and we haven't had any issues since then...so I'm just going to jump back into life again and put this behind us, and deal with things as they arise. But prevention is key, so I'm sure not to let Michael be alone with John in this home. When they're alone together, they're out at the park or running errands. That's fine.