Just an update - for those who care

from JoeUser Forums
I'm thinking of Shovelheat, dharmagrl and dynamaso who've been very helpful in my breakup with Darren. There are others of course who've left words of support and kindness and i want to thank you too, and floozie we're on the same boat!

But anyhoo, this is an update.

Something happened last night. You guys know how i said i was ready to let it go, and move on. I sent Darren an email the day before yesterday, i told him it was ok now, that i was ready to let him go. I thought he'd be relieved when i said that i could go on with my life and that he didnt need to baby me anymore. I felt relieved. It hurt me alot, but once i sent the email i felt lighter.

So i went with a friend for a couple of drinks, then got a call from Sabrina (Glen's wife, Glen is Darren's best friend). She said the boys were out and that her son was at her mum's and that she could do with some company. So we went there, met up with her and her godfather, we had red wine, we had spaghetti bolognese, more wine, lots of laughs, and beer! hehe, it was really good.

And then the guys came home. And Darren was there and it was awkward because i sent him that email so he proceeded in totally ignoring me. Which i dont blame him for since i said i was ready to not talk to him or see him anymore.

Anyway, as the evening went by, i sat in front of the tv and watched the Lion King 3 (haha, i'm such a kid!). And he came over and said hi, and i was like oh hi, and i smiled. Then he said "i'm gonna go home soon" so i just nodded and then kept watching the movie. And i think he was expecting me to ask him to drop me off because i must have looked bored. But i came over with Delizia and it was normal she'd be the one to drop me off, right? So he went home at around 12. And Delizia droped me at around 1.30am.

At 2.30 am he called. Said he couldnt sleep, and that my email came really as a shock. And so i said, i thought that's what he wanted too. And he said no. That he didnt think it was possible and all that. I couldnt think what to say because i had had too much wine (way too much), and i was sleepy, and it was 2.30 in the morning for Christ's sake! So he just apologized for calling and said goodnite.

I called him the next day to see how he was, and asked him if he'd like to have lunch. So he came to pick me, we went to our usual spot in town where they do the best steaks ever! Anyway, we had a really good time, just as if nothing happened, it was so natural, and so refreshing, we were just plain happy to catch up, crack jokes and all that.

Then he asked me if i had plans for the afternoon and i said no, so we just hanged out at my house, and we played chess, and we talked about anything and everything except us. And i really had a good time. He asked if we could have a hug, and i was dying for one so we cuddled up for a long time.

He had to go home, so he said i could come over if i wanted to, to watch tv or mess on the computer. Since i dont have that at my house. So it was cool i went there and i watched Alex & Emma, and i was like grrr, this reminds me of a somebody... Then i burnt a CD for me. And as the place was getting darker, we just lied in bed listening to the songs i chose, of course most of them were slow songs, and our bodies naturally were looking for each other like magnets. So we cuddled a long time, and i couldnt help but kiss him.

We didnt sleep together, we stopped all that before it went too far.

So when he droped me home we had a long talk, there was a lot of apologizing for what happened. But we had a good talk. He is worried because he cant seem to commit himself to me 100% and that i dont get what i should, that i deserve more. But it never bothered me. I never expected to get married and have kids with him and all that. Of course i thought about it before, but i kinda never thought about it WITH him. So i didnt know why all the drama. And he's not in love with her, he still cares for her a great deal, and he understands that it makes me upset but he said he cant help it. After all it was the 1st love of his life. He said he could be back with me right now, but he didnt know if that's what i wanted. And i said i didnt know, that i love him, and that it was so good. But, maybe he was right.

So he went home because we were both crying so much, my shoulder was soaked, and i'm sure his was the same if not worse... And i'd love to be back with him. And i know everyone is gonna say NO!!!!!!!! But geez, i want to be with him :(
4,078 views 27 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Whew! To be honest, I gotta think on this a while! I'd hate to toss out an opinion loosely ya know? I do remember my first love, but, I tend to forget a lot of the pain that came with it. I don't even know if that makes sense! Lemme ponder it a spell as folks in Texas say...
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

Chickie, I dunno what to say either.  I'm no relationship guru, no matter what you've heard . 

You got a lot of stuff out in the open, and that's good.  You got rid of your pain, and that's good too.  You can probably think clearly now, huh?

I'm going to have to think about this one for a bit too.  I want you to be happy.....that's the most important thing.

I'll get back to you, I promise.

Much love to you, honey.....

The Political Machine 2024
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
If it causes too much drama, then it isn't good for you. However, you know how much drama is too much for you. Be happy, be healthy and be safe. (I know I'm butting in, but hey, why not?)
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Shovelheat:
Whew! To be honest, I gotta think on this a while! I'd hate to toss out an opinion loosely ya know?

I know, i know. When we had that talk last night i wanted to jump to his neck and yell YES I WANT TO BE BACK WITH YOU, but i was like hum, no, maybe i should think more. But even now i can feel something yelling what are you waiting for, pick up the phone and say YESSSS...

I do remember my first love, but, I tend to forget a lot of the pain that came with it. I don't even know if that makes sense!

Well it does, you remember the good times. It's good

Lemme ponder it a spell as folks in Texas say...

Okay, ponder, ponder....

Dharma
Chickie, I dunno what to say either. I'm no relationship guru, no matter what you've heard

You're not??? Damn, i want a refund! hehe

You got a lot of stuff out in the open, and that's good. You got rid of your pain, and that's good too. You can probably think clearly now, huh?

True, i got a lot of stuff out, but the only thing that i can think of, is yeh i want to be back with him. I was so ready to move on though, what the hell is happening to me??

I'm going to have to think about this one for a bit too. I want you to be happy.....that's the most important thing.

I want to be happy too, I miss being happy...

Thanks dharma, i'm waiting for your wise words

Thanks Sugar, i guess it was too much drama for nothing. Now i need to know if going back with him is gonna be drama, i dont think so. The bad thing is i didnt tell anyone what was going on, so i think the people i told we broke up assumed he cheated on me or something. I want to tell them they're wrong, but i dont want to tell them everything.
Be happy, be healthy and be safe.

*sigh* i'm trying...
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh, Em, I really don't know what to say either. I guess it all comes down to what would make you really happy and whether you can reasonably expect this happiness from your relationship with Darren.

I don't like to tout myself, but have a look at my latest post entitled 'The Pursuit of Happiness Is Not Just A Canadian Band'. It may give you some perspective.

Good luck, mon ami.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi Maso, I guess that's probably why I didnt jump to his neck, maybe the back of my head was telling me i'm not gona be happy. But right now, it doesnt seem that way, i feel like i just need to be with him...
I'll have a look at that post, seems interesting
Good luck, mon ami.

Merci mon ami, i'll need it.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
*WARNING - OPINIONATED RANTING ABOUT TO COMMENCE*

Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

In many ways this mirrors so closely my situation. You get on well, you get the comforts of a relationship with the sex and the hugs and the intimate conversations, you hang out, you have what appears from the outside to be a normal relationship. However it's not. It is some kind of facsimile of a relationship, a pseudo-relationship which seems to give you what you want... but it won't.

You see, the problem is that no matter how much you try to run away from it he is basically saying that he only wants half of you, and by engaging in a quasi-relationship with him you'll be telling yourself that that is all you deserve. Don't take what scraps he is willing to throw to you - he is right when he said that you deserve more. You have strong feelings for him and that makes it hard to turn your back on it, but you will end up in a substandard relationship hoping and praying that eventually it will turn into something more. That he'll wake up one day and realise how wonderful you are and profess his undying love and commitment to you. The thing is, if this is going to happen, it will happen whether you're hanging around him or not. He knows you well enough by now, he has all the available information, he just needs to process it properly. If you hang around like a lapdog and settle for what you can get, not what you deserve you'll only lose respect for yourself and build up resentment for him.

I know that you said that you never wanted to marry him so then this arrangement should be OK, but eventually you'll realise that by accepting it you are telling yourself that you're not good enough. Look beyond the short term comforts and realise that there is long term gain to be had by holding your head high and walking away from this. If you get back with him he is basically getting everything that he needs without having to give anything in return. He can take what he wants and leave what he doesn't and you being there gives him permission to do so.

Having said all that, don't think that I am trying to say that he's a bad person and that all of this is happening on a conscious level. He probably does want the best for you, but if you offer everything he needs without commitment he's going to have a hard time looking past himself to realise that you're getting a crappy deal.

Be good to yourself and don't get involved with someone who can only give you half of what you need. If you are spending all your time on him the guy that will actually want to give all of himself to you will walk on by. Don't waste your precious self on something that isn't up to your standard!

(Having said all that, no one could talk me out of getting into the very situation that you speak of. I said I was fine. I said that I was getting as much out of it as he was. I pretended. In the end I'm left with a broken heart, feeling used, humiliated, foolish and pathetic. And I can't even say that we broke up because we were never 'together'. I tried to walk away so many times, and always came back to it, telling myself that I would learn how to live with the arrangement, that this time I wouldn't get involved emotionally. Sadly it turns out that once you've loved someone you can't exactly turn off those feelings on a whim. And loving someone who doesn't love you is the fucking pits. Walk away now and don't deal with months/years of drama. You deserve more)
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow Floozie, i dont know what to say, YOU NAILED IT.

I think you're right, i should walk away, i should run like you say. I'll get hurt, more badly, but after what happened? I have the hope that he'll eventually change.

Man it gives me such a headache, i wish i could just die so i didnt have to deal with all this crap, mmm... pathetic huh?

I'll try and keep my distance again. Even though all i wanna do now is give him a call... I dont know if i can be strong enough, i have the feeling i'll get back with him, i really want to, but now that you've put all the cards on the table, i know it's not a good idea.

I'm crazy huh? You show me the safe way and i run for the wolf's jaws...
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Floozie is right!

(ever so smart that lass)
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
She is huh?
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Be kind to yourself Em. I wouldn't hold these opinions if I hadn't been silly enough to put myself through hell for a year. It would be nice if we could learn life's lessons without having to go through shit to earn them, but sometimes we have to see things for ourselves. The thing that kept me there far longer than I should have was the eternal hope that he would one day realise how great I was and how great we were together and want to make it something more. Even in the face of all evidence otherwise I kept fighting for this cause that i thought was worth it.

I thing you're like me and know the risks but still need to find out for yourself. There's nothing wrong with that, even though I strongly advise against it. Everyone watched in horror as I continued to put myself through the wringer with this guy, got knocked about emotionally, got really hurt and then went back for more. And it wasn't until I realised that I couldn't put up with it anymore, that no one who treats me with as much disregard as he did was not worth my time, that I am deserving of so much more than he could ever offer me that I dusted myself off, told him where he could shove his commitment issues and moved on. I am too stubborn to listen to others, I had to do it for myself and now I have learnt a lot. Even though it hurts like hell, it has taught me about myself and I won't die wondering whether we would have worked.

You know that we'll support you no matter what you do. It is natural to want to get back with him and make the pain stop. I just wish for you that you don't get to hurt if you do go back.

Take care sweetie,

Suz xxx

(ever so smart that lass)


You're a charmer Mugz

Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
YOur heart is saying ok, but Floozie and your head are saying go.  I have to side with FLoozie on this.  Those are warning bells going off.  You are more mature and further along in your relationship ability than he is.  Maybe in a few years, he will be ready for committment.  But he cannot give you that now.
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I agree a hundred percent with Floozie and Dr. Guy. He cannot give you what you want now and you shouldn't short change yourself no matter what. Just listen to your heart and be true to what you really want - I know it sounds corny, but you and only you know what to do.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Flooz is right, never settle for less than you deserve!

Good luck, you'll need it ( I just finished paying 16 years worth of child support due to not ending a relationship long after I knew it was bad )

So it goes........
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Floozie
I thing you're like me and know the risks but still need to find out for yourself

*sigh* I think we're twin sisters separated at birth suz.
I want to thank you for your comments Floozie. I know you're right. And probably the more i read this the more i'll convinve myself it's true and that i should keep away from him. It's just that i dont know if i can. Yesterday he's the one who called and asked if we could have lunch today. And i didnt say no, grrrrrrrr! F**k, i wish i didnt love him so much!!!!!!!!!! *sigh*

Dr Guy:
YOur heart is saying ok, but Floozie and your head are saying go. I have to side with FLoozie on this. Those are warning bells going off. You are more mature and further along in your relationship ability than he is. Maybe in a few years, he will be ready for committment. But he cannot give you that now.

I want to listen to Floozie and to my head, my heart someheow seems to have selective hearing, damit Like i said i'm not for the commitment thing either, like making plans about babies and marriage, geez that's what could set me running and screaming in the streets, lol. All i want is to love and be loved. And maybe that's what he cant do? I dont know.

Forveverserenity:
He cannot give you what you want now and you shouldn't short change yourself no matter what.

Heh, now that's crystal! I know, i'm trying to hammer it in my head...
Just listen to your heart and be true to what you really want - I know it sounds corny, but you and only you know what to do.

I guess i do, but i cant get myself to do it. Maybe if he had just let me go when i said i was ready, when i said he didnt need to worry about me anymore. But i must have misinterpreted his i-dont-care-attitude. We had that talk but we need to talk some more to find out what we truly want.

Dynosar:
Good luck, you'll need it ( I just finished paying 16 years worth of child support due to not ending a relationship long after I knew it was bad )

Hehe, if I was a bitch i'd use this advice in evil ways, mwahaharrr!
But thanks for your comment Dynosar, i appreciate that you'd be part of those "who care"
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sounds like tons and tons of good advice IG! I was gonna suggest going slow and taking your time and maybe cutting out for a few days to do so, but, Floozie probably nailed it pretty good. Good luck with it!
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Is it possible you're not setting yourself up for another case of break-up blues? Relationships can be a rough roller coaster ride that we forget about the second we get off. I hope you don't have to go through all that stuff again with this guy.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
Shovelheat:
Sounds like tons and tons of good advice IG! I was gonna suggest going slow and taking your time and maybe cutting out for a few days to do so, but, Floozie probably nailed it pretty good. Good luck with it!

Yes it is tons of GOOD advice, which is a change from the usual "you poor thing he's a bastard" heh. I want to go away, anywhere just to not be able to see him even if i wanted to, which i weally weally do *big sad eyes*

Reiki-House:
So you're not the devil personified? joking... THANKS, i didnt think i'd say it one day after the little amount of comments i've read from you, but that was really nice. So yah, thank u again, and forgive me if i'm too straightforward, it's another way of saying sorry
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top

I want to listen to Floozie and to my head, my heart someheow seems to have selective hearing, damit Like i said i'm not for the commitment thing either, like making plans about babies and marriage, geez that's what could set me running and screaming in the streets, lol. All i want is to love and be loved. And maybe that's what he cant do? I dont know.

Committment is not always babies and marriage.  Some times it is to be loved and to love.  Dont confuse the 2

Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
Floozie is right... (of course she's right, she's always right)...

it sounds like there is a part of this guy that really cares about you, perhaps even loves you. But he's obviously not ready to commit to you, or there wouldn't be all this drama. The only reason i'm adding my two cents to this thread, is to offer a bit of male perspective from someone that has been in Darren's shoes. (and boy does he need some odor-eaters)

we scumbag men who can't seem to commit to one woman are the worst kind. We'll have our kate and edith too, and a side of jennifer and allison too if we can get away with it. The only way to stop us from getting all that we want is to put the hammer down and call us on it.

basically what i'm saying is, don't put yourself thru it. if he really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, there wouldn't be all this drama. (did i already mention that?)

I had some other crap i was gonna talk, but i'm sure you already know the score of this game.
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
DrGuy:
Committment is not always babies and marriage. Some times it is to be loved and to love. Dont confuse the 2
I see....

Imajinit, you've been in Darren's shoes??? SHAME ON YOU! Heh, nah i'm jokin, ya know i love ya!
Well when he had our famous talk that night, i did ask him if he ever cheated on me during the time we were together. He looked at me straight in the eye and said no. That he never even felt the need to, that he was really happy with me and all that. But then he said that maybe that he's cheating me on having a happy life, whatever that means.
basically what i'm saying is, don't put yourself thru it. if he really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, there wouldn't be all this drama. (did i already mention that?)

True. Man, and all this came from this one stupid phone call...
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oops, i think i forgot to put braces somewhere on my last comment! sorry...
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
The only other thing I'd like to say is something I said in my email to you: don't beat yourself up about this. Try to understand you are not 'bad' or 'wrong' and neither is Darren. I know it is a really hard challenge to get past (been there many times myself) because we are our own worst critics, but remember, this can start a self-deprecating cycle that could be damaging.

As always, if you need to talk, don' hesitate to email me.
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks Maso, i know what you mean. I was thinking alot to myself, where did i go wrong, and was i not good enough and stuff like that. But, it's not my fault like you said, and i know it. Even though it did take me a while to slap my forehead and go D'UH! heh

I read your post about happiness, and i loved it. It made me feel so much better and so much more in control of my life.

I knew this before but now is the time to put it to practice. I'm to decide if want to be happy. And whatever the situation i should find happiness somehow.

But after saying all this, i still have the feeling i'll get back with Dee. He invited me for lunch, and once again we had a good time, made fun of each other and laughed a lot. It seems i become all bubbly whenever i get to be with him. Like i'm alive again, even if it's totally platonic.
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
Mmh, maybe i should get myself hypnosed, "you dont love Darren, Emilia, he's only a friend now, you're totally over him, you dont want to get back with him"... That's quite an idea eh?