He's trying to water my flowers.

from JoeUser Forums

D and I had a discussion via email a few weeks ago about our relationship and the way it's been working. 

I read somewhere that we have in each of us (theoretically speaking now) flowers and compost (read manure, or shite).  In a relationship, we can either water our partner's flowers, allowing them to grow, or we can pile on the shite and bury them in it.

I asked D what I had done for him over the course of our marriage.....if I had watered his flowers or if I had buried him under piles of crap, and what I could do to better enable his flowers to grow.

He said that, whilst there had been times I had given him shit, I had watered his flowers for the most part....and that the shit part was okay, because sometimes roses grow better with a little poop piled on them.

He never asked me what he did for me. 

Instead, he said that he knew he hadn't really been watering my flowers or even paying much attention to the garden of my soul.  He said that he felt like it was time to give back to me what I had given to him, and asked if, when he came home, I'd be willing to do some yoga with him.  He asked me to send him my copy of The Dhammapada, and said that he'd secretly been digging Buddhism and Taoism for a while...but just didn't want me to think he was trying to steal my thunder (he has a very competitive streak in him and in the past if we've done something together he's felt the need to outdo me - so we moved in different circles and had different interests for a long, long time).  Since then he's been very open about what his thoughts and beliefs are, and has even go so far as to try meditating.  We've talked about doing some projection techniques, and I'm blown away that he's even willing to try that because it's a little 'out there'...but he's said that he wants to try.

He's trying to water my flowers, bless his little heart.  *sigh*...and once again, I am reminded of how much and how deeply I love that man.

1,165 views 10 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Bless his fuzzy little heart! And Bless you Dharma for keeping hope, faith and communication in your relationship.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
That is so sweet dharma....
Ashes of the Singularity II
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
"projection" - like you try to visualize what the other person is doing or seeing? (I hope I understood that correctly) I remember attempting something like that with my wife while she was on the phone and I guessed the cat's eye(of an EverReady battery) she was looking at. It can be scary experience, but memorable for the both of you, nonetheless.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Bless his fuzzy little heart! And Bless you Dharma for keeping hope, faith and communication in your relationship.
Thank you, Ted. It hasn't always been easy, deployments are hard...and the reunions afterwards can be even harder, as you know. Your assessments in the past have been spot on and your advice invaluable, btw....perhaps you should think about going to in to business as a marriage counsellor!
That is so sweet dharma....
I know, that's what I thought too. He's such a good guy....
"projection" - like you try to visualize what the other person is doing or seeing?
It's sort of like that. The last time I did it, I imagined myself leaving my body and going to see him. I found myself in his room....he was in his bed, lying on his side facing the wall, fast asleep. I said his name, and he stirred a bit and rolled onto his back but didn't wake up. I stayed for a few seconds, looking at him, then withdrew and came back to where I was at.....the next day when we talked, he said that he dreamed that I was in his room, talking to him. Odd, huh? We're going to try and do it the same time next time and see what the results are.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's sort of like that. The last time I did it, I imagined myself leaving my body and going to see him. I found myself in his room....he was in his bed, lying on his side facing the wall, fast asleep. I said his name, and he stirred a bit and rolled onto his back but didn't wake up. I stayed for a few seconds, looking at him, then withdrew and came back to where I was at.....the next day when we talked, he said that he dreamed that I was in his room, talking to him. Odd, huh? We're going to try and do it the same time next time and see what the results are.

Spooky, but oh-so-cool, i'd love to be able to do that one day hehe!
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Spooky, but oh-so-cool, i'd love to be able to do that one day hehe!


Yeah, it is a little freaky....and you should try it!
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Cool. Sometimes a little communication can go a long way.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah, it is a little freaky....and you should try it!

I wouldnt mind trying it, just got no idea what to do or how to do it.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
perhaps you should think about going to in to business as a marriage counsellor!


Nah, it normally isn't considered "professional" to slap the couple around for a bit then yell, "quit acting like spoiled brats and start thinking about the other one for a change!" ;~D

Maybe I could be a Marriage "Wall to Wall" Counselor.. Hmmmmm ;~D Glad whatever I've could help you and D though.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

Cool. Sometimes a little communication can go a long way.

Yes, it can. 

I wouldnt mind trying it, just got no idea what to do or how to do it.

Not that hard.  You need a queit place to start with...then you start out by following your breath for a little while until you're relaxed.  When I get to that point, I visualize myself floating out of my body....I try and turn around so I can see myself sitting (or lying) in meditation....then I float further and further away, seeing my house, then my street, then my town....going further and further up into the darkness of space. Then, I visualize where in the world D is and I float over there, coming in closer and closer until I'm in his room.  Because I've never seen pictures of his room or where he's at, I have to let my mind do the picturing for me...and the last couple of times I did it I told him things about his bed and chair that I couldn't have known unless I had been there (like he had a pair of shorts on the floor, where he had put his glasses etc etc).  When you're done being werever you want to be, you slowly withdraw and come back into your body...pretty much reversing the way you came out.

Like I said, it's pretty 'out there'...people think I'm crazy for doing it, but hey.....it works for me, and there's obviously something to it because he's felt me there.

Nah, it normally isn't considered "professional" to slap the couple around for a bit then yell, "quit acting like spoiled brats and start thinking about the other one for a change!" ;~D

No, but perhaps that's what needs to happen.  Perhaps society needs that kind of therapy....I mean, look at where 'traditional' methods have got us so far.    I do know that you really helpes D and I out....actually, you really helped me out by giving me a swift kick in the ass followed up with a big ol' hug (both theoretical, of course)...which is exactly what I needed at the time!  Much love to you for doing that, Ted.....from both of us.