Ever had it up to here????
And wondered where, exactly, here was?
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
K, Now I'm pretty wierd, I'm a girl named Steven. I currently have a husbdand, who I'm not with and a loving freak of a Bf, named Mr. Dark. I have a son who's 6. And on any given day you can find me in my small town, with my half shaved spikey hair and loud voice, chain smokeing and trying to make everyone either shakes their heads or laugh. Poeple need to laugh more.
Anyway, I have HORRIBLE, taste in men. I've had more than my fair share of abuseive boyfriends and it's been mostly my fault I stayed with them.There are things that in my 24 years of life I had no clue to expect. I thought them all to be myth. (sidenote: I know that at 24 I'm young but I have lived more than I should have as an adult.)
My current boyfriend Mr. Dark, is GREAT!!! I never knew. Never. I know that I am a bit b**chy and that i am loud and kinda what most would say is a freak but I've seen loving couples and thought that mabey it wasn't all a lie. Then I'd meet another man that would show me diffrent.
Anyways, I've been dateing Mr. Dark for almost 6 months and it's been fun and loving. I lay in his arms and feel CHERISHED. OH MY GAWD! Women can feel cherished with out wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Usually I get in that disney love faze and it's all down hill from there. I'm totally in love and I move in and of course, nothing ever works out. Besides the fact that I pick pretty assholes.
Well, Mr. Dark lives in another country. Granted to get into that country from my house it's a fifteen minute drive but still. It takes some time and planning to get there. Recently I have been flagged which means I have to jump through alot of hoops to get into canada. I had to get a tempary visa just to stay at his house 5 days. Grrrrrrr!
The distance hasn't helped any, in fact it jsut makes things harder that we don't live in eachothers countries, even if we are so near eachother. I never knew you could go through culture shock an hour from your front door.
I'm one of those people who loves to be touched and cared for and get attention, not in that excessive whiney way though. And yes I do know the diffrence, and make an effort never ever to get there. Those people make my overies cringe!!!!!!
I started that just to say that when he's gone, (even though we have an open relationship because of the distance.) I miss it! Truely I do! It's soooo hard to go back to every day life after spending almost a week not going anywhere without someone wanting to hold your hand, touch your back, kiss you, look at you with romantic love. Really really hard!
So I get grumpy in between the two weeks it usually takes to see eachother. Today i got a special treat and got to see Mr. Dark only three days after leaving his side. Man it was fabulous to walk around my town and get looks! We held hands and I can see all the wonderful faces of poeple trying to figure out if they need to be scared or think that we match perfectly.
Mr. Dark is an actor, which makes it interesting. I'm a Sagitarian and naturally mellow dramatic. We really work well together. It's soo odd for me. I've never had a boyfriend that I haven't lived with by now. And we jsut barely got our titles last week. Not even thinking about living together until a year after we get our titles and marriage................................................... Nut uh!!!! Been there done that. Not for at least years! It's a wonderful change. Almost like a bad romance novel, modern day. The ones I don't read.
It's not just that we live in other countries and other things in our lives that keep us apart, it's just that we're not going to do what is "normal" to us and we're going to do this right. We need figure out our own head space first. Isn't that just cool!!!!??!!!!!
This whole rant is for one thing, I'm not sure what to do about us. I'm not sure if i have been hurt too much to be in a good reletionship right now. It's not that I want to leave him, I'm holding on with both hands, it's that, WE've been in a couple of big fights, always when we're drunk, no hitting or anything though.
Every time we fight I take a step back, I know where this road goes...........Don't I??? I'm beginning to think, no I don't know where this road goes. He's very sweet and we always feel crappy after we fight. But the odd thing for me is that he never does the typical abuse stuff. He just says, "Sorry I really messed up there. I didn't mean it!" WOW! I think my melon just broke. Really.
Now I know that that means i am sooo messed up but good lord! I am very at odds about this whole thing, because it's so wonderful. And I'm not used to that. I think i had better get used to it.
It's given me a new found respect and strength. Hey, I DESERVE to be treated this good. It's like a bomb went off in my life. I deserve this???? Naw, not me. Yes me! Me me me!
I can hold my head up and say that i do deserve this. I no longer want my abuseive ex who called me recently wanting me back. All I can think of to say to him is "My give a damn is BUSTED!" . Pretty as he may be, he only thinks of himself and I derserve better. That's such a good feeling! Oh man is it ever!
New feelings are usually good. I'm glad to say this one is sticking around for a long time. I will never cow again, even if it's just to not argue. I know what and who I am and I don't need some one, anyone, boyfriend or not treating me below where human basic respect, politeness, or whatever is. It's not that I've got an ego, (I do but that's not the point. Heheee!) it's not that I'm a snob, because honestly I'm not. it's that, I've pulled my head up from where I threw it at a young age. Thank God! I can live even more free, with a smile on my face and stand up never to be used that way again. Which was always a fear. I know what better is now. I can't go backward......... well, at least if i do I'll know it quick and change it.
Thank you for reading. I hoped it helped or at least amused!