I Know What Love Is...

Al, I'm trying out that style you've been using...:P

from JoeUser Forums
I was alone,
I was hollow,
A cold husk of a person.

But now,
Fire,
Burning in my heart.
A resounding trumpet in my soul.

A passion,
Building and building.
Consuming me,
Inspiring me.

I'm happy.
I never knew this feeling.
But I wanted it so.
I read, I saw,
But I didn’t understand,
At all.

It has breathed life back,
Back into me and now,
I see,
The world,
In a different way,
It feels good to say,
I’m in love.

~Zoo
poetry
2,444 views 13 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Very well put. Beautifully written.

Is it your first love?
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Very well put. Beautifully written.


Thank you,

Is it your first love?


Yeah...pretty much.

~Zoo
The Political Machine 2024
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
eeeeeeeeeeeeeee hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ain't it just grand? that's my life too zoo.


MM
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
ain't it just grand?


That it is, Mod, that it is.

~Zoo
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I
Am happy.
I never knew this feeling.
But I wanted it so.
I read, I saw,
But I didn’t understand,
At all.

That is my favorite part.
Beautiful.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
That is my favorite part. Beautiful.


Thanks

~Zoo
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's the kind of love that gives you butterflies in your stomach, makes you want to sing a beautiful song, and makes you smile everytime you think about it, right? Wonderful feeling, isn't it?
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
wo0T!




That's great Zoo....I'm happy for you.


Thanks, Mano.

It's the kind of love that gives you butterflies in your stomach, makes you want to sing a beautiful song, and makes you smile everytime you think about it, right?


How right you are, it's absolutely wonderful!

~Zoo
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ok, now I get to critique... it is my style after all

I love the poem... it's amazing. The style is good, but some of your breaks are worth reconsidering. Breaks are put where the emphasis is wanted most. Putting a lot of emphasis on

I
Am happy.
I never knew this feeling.


Makes you seem selfish in a way... I'd put the I with "am happy" or make it "I'm happy". You're new so I'll chalk it up to inexperience.

Lyrically, this poem is beautiful. Technically.... eh, not so much. Now that you seem to have some moderate success with my style, go ahead and stop the punctuation. A period means that you are completely finished with that thought, or that vein of writing. Commas are also not needed unless they are placed in the middle of a line. Commas show a pause that you want your reader to take in, but yet not forget that the writing after still belongs on the same line. You don't capitalize the begining of each line either.

Oh, and it looks like you've got a typo in there... looks like you were going to end the poem and decided to go on right here....

~ZooI was alone,
I was hollow,
A cold husk of a person.



Now that I sound like a complete and utter dick, I just wanted you to know again that I think it's good enough to critique. If I didn't think that, I would say... "go shaun you're amazing and this is perfect yada yada" so please take this in the spirit in which it was given. You've got the raw emotive work for this style, but you need to refine it a lot.

Take care big man. Love ya.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hmm...yes, Al you sounded like a complete dick, but isn't that what you do?

I don't mind...advice is appreciated, as long as you don't nag.

I'll consider this one a hybrid between your style and my usual stuff....as for the typo, I think this page is messed up...I tried to edit it and I can't fix where it repeats....but I did take your advice on the "I to I'm" thing...changed that.

I'll work on refining it...if I choose to master your style. This was an experiment, a hybird as I've stated....so, this is what we get when we have a brainchild together, Al.

Thanks, bud...I always enjoy you bitching at me. lol Seriously, thanks for the tips...now go and write the stuff I'm pretty good at and I'll critique your ass.

Take care, my little albino. Love ya. (still sounds weird saying that to a guy...but, I'll live )

~Zoo
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
I must admit, I admire your fresh new love. Give yourself a couple of decades and it'll sound like my writing, which probably aint too bad.