Thoughts from last night
Feeling lonely
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I have pens, but no paper to write with. And I'm tired of sitting in that chair in front of the computer. So I'm lying in bed, with the company laptop on my stomach. The keyboard is hard to get used to. Backspace is in a different place, and the spacebar isn't as sensitive as mine. Typing this takes almost as long as writing it out by hand. But I shall persevere.
What did I want to write? I'm not sure. I finished reading Lovelock today. It's a moving story. You should read it. The whole thing is written as kind of a diary, so I guess that's where I got the idea.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately, sitting here in my room. All weekend I hardly came out of it. Of course I have the excuse that I don't know anyone in this area at all, but that doesn't make life any less dull when I have no one but myself for company.
Ever here of the site OKCupid? I found out about it because Jeff took one of their personality tests and posted his result in his blog. (He didn't link to the site; I hunted down where the text came from myself.) I found the site a week or so ago and took the test myself, out of curiosity. I don't really take those things seriously, but sometimes I like to see what result I get. (The "Which book are you?" quiz says that I'm I, Robot.) I didn't create an account when I took the quiz (actually I did, but I used my throwaway hotmail address and I don't remember what the username was), but yesterday I went back, created an account, and started answering personality questions. I'm not sure why. I haven't posted my picture or written anything in my profile, just answered the questions and had it tell me that there was an 80% chance I would "match" with certain females within a 100 mile radius.
I've thought about joining a site like that a few times over the past year, but it always seemed vaguely pathetic to me. A 20 year old college male shouldn't need an online service to meet girls, right? Even in Rochester there should be a few floating around, right?
I'm getting emotional now. I'm starting to tear up, and I'm feeling like my situation is hopeless.
I was just comparing myself in my head to Christopher at the end of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. Who does he think he's kidding when he says that maybe some day he'll find a lady to be his wife? When he's terrified of strangers and can't tolerate human contact.
And here I, instead of doing what normal people do when they want to meet someone of the opposite sex I'm sitting in my room crying, confiding in my laptop, my closest and only confidant. What the hell do normal people do, anyway? That was never really explained to me.
I just figured why I answered so many questions but didn't bother to fill in the profile. If I fill in the profile, that means I'm actually trying to use the site to meet people. By just answering questions for the matching algorithm, I'm seeing what people are out there. Like I'm going into a singles bar or whatever to look at all the beautiful women I'll never have the courage to talk to.
The phrase "torturing myself" comes to mind, but then I think about the other option, which is to stay in my room and try not to think about it. Try to convince myself that I don't really want to talk to them anyway.
Am I slipping backwards? Should I try to find a therapist out here?
No, it's not because I've been out of therapy. It's because it's been months since I've seen the few friends that I have at school. I've been sitting alone all summer, of course I'm drawing back into myself.
Don't you wish there was a magic pill you could take that would fix everything? I'm going to take a Prozac and go to bed, for all the good that'll do me. I have work in the morning.
What did I want to write? I'm not sure. I finished reading Lovelock today. It's a moving story. You should read it. The whole thing is written as kind of a diary, so I guess that's where I got the idea.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately, sitting here in my room. All weekend I hardly came out of it. Of course I have the excuse that I don't know anyone in this area at all, but that doesn't make life any less dull when I have no one but myself for company.
Ever here of the site OKCupid? I found out about it because Jeff took one of their personality tests and posted his result in his blog. (He didn't link to the site; I hunted down where the text came from myself.) I found the site a week or so ago and took the test myself, out of curiosity. I don't really take those things seriously, but sometimes I like to see what result I get. (The "Which book are you?" quiz says that I'm I, Robot.) I didn't create an account when I took the quiz (actually I did, but I used my throwaway hotmail address and I don't remember what the username was), but yesterday I went back, created an account, and started answering personality questions. I'm not sure why. I haven't posted my picture or written anything in my profile, just answered the questions and had it tell me that there was an 80% chance I would "match" with certain females within a 100 mile radius.
I've thought about joining a site like that a few times over the past year, but it always seemed vaguely pathetic to me. A 20 year old college male shouldn't need an online service to meet girls, right? Even in Rochester there should be a few floating around, right?
I'm getting emotional now. I'm starting to tear up, and I'm feeling like my situation is hopeless.
I was just comparing myself in my head to Christopher at the end of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. Who does he think he's kidding when he says that maybe some day he'll find a lady to be his wife? When he's terrified of strangers and can't tolerate human contact.
And here I, instead of doing what normal people do when they want to meet someone of the opposite sex I'm sitting in my room crying, confiding in my laptop, my closest and only confidant. What the hell do normal people do, anyway? That was never really explained to me.
I just figured why I answered so many questions but didn't bother to fill in the profile. If I fill in the profile, that means I'm actually trying to use the site to meet people. By just answering questions for the matching algorithm, I'm seeing what people are out there. Like I'm going into a singles bar or whatever to look at all the beautiful women I'll never have the courage to talk to.
The phrase "torturing myself" comes to mind, but then I think about the other option, which is to stay in my room and try not to think about it. Try to convince myself that I don't really want to talk to them anyway.
Am I slipping backwards? Should I try to find a therapist out here?
No, it's not because I've been out of therapy. It's because it's been months since I've seen the few friends that I have at school. I've been sitting alone all summer, of course I'm drawing back into myself.
Don't you wish there was a magic pill you could take that would fix everything? I'm going to take a Prozac and go to bed, for all the good that'll do me. I have work in the morning.
