dharmagrl dharmagrl

Another summer spent apart

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Another summer spent apart

from JoeUser Forums

Dave came home this evening with a sad look on his face and handed me a piece of folded paper.

"Read it, and we'll talk" he said.

I knew before I opened it what it was.

He's leaving at the beginning of next month for 3 weeks training.  Then he comes home for 3 weeks, gets his A bag ready.......and deploys in March.

For 6 months. To the desert.  A different location than last time, but a place that will give him combat pay all the same.

This means that all the things that we had hoped to do this summer are going to have to be put on hold.  Again.  He's going to miss Jake's birthday.  Again.  And my birthday.  Again.  The kids being out of school.  Again.

There will be no trips to Six Flags.  No camping.  No fishing.  No trips to the UK to see my folks (that's what the tax refund was going to help fund).

We sat and worked it out earlier.  Since we got here in September of 2004, he's been home for 10 months.  That means that when we reach our 2 year anniversary for being here at Scott, he'll have been here, physically here, less than half of that time.

That's fucking bullshit.  I know motherfuckers who haven't gone anywhere the entire time we've been here.  They're the same rank as my husband, same AFSC (that's MOS for you army folks).....yet they always manage to find a way out.  They come down with some ailment, or they manage to fuck up - actually, that's why he has to go this time.  Somebody dropped out because they fucked up (I can't say more than  that about it...I'd love to tell you, but I can't) and they're in trouble.  So, because they fucked around and got themselves into shit, my family pays the price. 

There's a slim chance that the person who dropped out will still be able to deploy.  I'm hoping that's the case. I know the guy, and I'm hoping that he gets to go...he hasn't been anywhere in the last 15 months, so he's overdue to deploy.  I'm not holding my breath, though.  The way things go around here.....I'm just going to prepare for Dave to leave.

I'm trying to keep my game face on, but....it's hard.  It's so hard....I keep tearing up, I keep thinking about how lonely I get and how another summer by myself is going to be really, really hard.  We were so hoping to have a reprieve so that we could work on our problems, and now it doesn't look like we're going to get one.

Dave, bless his little heart, was worried that I'd tell him I wanted a divorce when I found out he was leaving again.  He was scared that I'd tell him I couldn't do this anymore, that being his wife was too hard and that I wanted out.

I don't.  I don't want out.  Yes, this is hard, but it's worth it. He's worth it.

I love you, Dave, and no distance is going to change that.  I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to be right here waiting for you to come home.

Waiting, and loving you.....no matter where you are.

4,943 views 30 replies
Reply #26 from JoeUser Forums Top
I swear the hardest part was making plans that you didn't know if they would happen or not. But, like you, we made them all the same. Like you, my wife kissed me goodbye (again), knowing that most our friends hadn't been gone as much, or as long. It got hard for her to listen to other wives complain about their husbands when hers was gone (again).

"The hardest job in the military" is even harder for those whose soldiers, airmen, sailors or marines are dedicated and have a strong enough work ethic to resist the temptations of riding sick call and causing trouble. The same sense of dedication that keeps us loving each other through the worst of it, puts us "wheels up" (again).

The only words of comfort I have for you is my utter awe for you. I can think of few examples of the very definition our Heavenly Father had in mind when He invented the concept of Wife/Husband and Mother/Father as those who hold on to each other through the constant deployments and "Semper Gumby" lifestyle of the dedicated military family. You Karen, are one of my heroes!

(((Call me whenever you need to. I'd call you, but I lost your number))))
Reply #27 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hugs Dharma...I'll keep praying for you guys.
Elemental: Reforged
Reply #28 from JoeUser Forums Top
Your articles are very touching. I don't completely understand what you and your family are going through, but can only imagine. I was drawn to your articles because I am desparate for some advice. My advice deals with something you seem to be familiar with and that is relationships and the air force.

I was dating a guy for almost 4 years and he decided to join the air force. Though it was tough I made it through his basic training, but missed him like crazy. During basic we wrote each other and he told me how much he missed me and how he couldn't wait to see me. I attended his graduation ceremony and though things were a bit ackward getting reaquainted, things seemed to be going okay. He attend more training and then came home a few months later. He actually surprised me by not telling me he was coming home. Things were going fine and then a few days later he said he needed space and didn't want to be with me. I was so hurt and confused, but we managed to talk it through and agreed to work on things (even though I still don't know was wrong). He was stationed the whole way on the other side of the country and about one month later, got into an agruement with me and said that he didn't want to be with me.

To this day I still don't know why we are not together. I love him so much and really want to make things work. We still keep in contact and though he seems distant he still says off the wall things that make me believe he still loves me. When I asked him why we are not together he says that he no longer has love for me and that we grew apart. I can't grasp this. How does a person love someone enough to be romantic and surprise you and then two days later say they don't want anything to be with you.

I often wonder if this mixed emotion state and off the wall comments he makes about not loving me after 4 years is a result of him being in the service. I really don't want to hold on, but I really want things to work out for us in the future and want to be patient at the same time. I know he is going through alot, but I am so willing to try and understand him if he would let me. It is really confusing because he will talk to others that I know and say that he still cares about me, but tells me something different. I tried not calling him as much and waiting for him to call me and he does, but acts distant and jokes around with me (like old times) at at the same time.

Do you have any advice? It seems that you may because of your current situation with your husband and being in the air force. I never imagined not being with him and I am desperate for some answers. I wish he would just open up and tell me what is going on. And maybe he doesn't love me anymore, but I really don't understand how you can love somebody one day and not the next. I kind of feel like it is a way that he can guard his emotions and feelings of lonliness from being away from me, but at the same time maybe I am wrong.

Any words of advice are welcomed. I could go on and on, but feel maybe you have enough to go off of for now.

Thanks.
Reply #29 from JoeUser Forums Top
Any words of advice are welcomed


Thoughts from a guy that's been there.

Being apart from someone for extended periods can only survive if there's a prior committed foundation to draw upon when tested, and I promise you tests happen for both parties, as with Dharmagrl and the girls she speaks of. One of the reasons I didn't marry till late in life is making a commitment means a great deal to me. When traveling offshore, with all the in country variables, knowing a woman is back home waiting.... fielding volatile "what if" emotions would cause unneeded frustration for me in a time when all my facilities need to be sharp and in the moment. She would have been tested when out with the girls while I would be challenging my morals every time I went out with the boys on R&R. In the end, a test that's bound to fail for one or both since the relationship hasn't matured to marriage regardless of length. I say that because dating someone for 4 years indicates single life isn't quite finished.

A man with character doesn't want to fail himself by having a one night fling followed by nagging moral questions knowing he broke his code of ethics. His choices would be either live with the guilt from then on or do further harm by telling her of his transgressions, in either case, nobody wins.

Just look at your feelings now....wondering. Now doubt you feelings are worthy. Just put them in a closet and look at him honorably. He valued you enough not to harm you with vagaries. In the end, breaking it off and telling those he encounters he still cares about the gal back home is natural and respectful. If the 4 years was meant to move the next level, some how the two of you will meet up again and maybe better prepared to move the next level.

Reply #30 from JoeUser Forums Top

Any words of advice are welcomed

The military changes people, and he's trying to let you down gently. You should take the hint and move on.  I don't know that I can help you any further; my experiences are limited to the realm of marriage and military spouseship. 

I do agree with Titanl though.  I think that if your relationship didn't bear fruit after 4 years; if he didn't ask you to marry him before he joined the Air Force......then it was probably not going to come to anything anyway.