Who Decides?

from JoeUser Forums
You are having a heated argument with an acquaintance, a disagreement of sorts, suddenly party A says "hey you hurt my feelings" Party B' Says no I did not!

I always thought it was up to the party that had his feelings hurt to decide if they were hurt or not.

How can anyone say "I did not hurt your feelings" when Party A made it very clear indeed they were hurt.

Who's decision is it to decide about hurt feelings? The one that claims there feelings were hurt or insulted or the other party in this case party B who is NOT INSIDE Party A head, who does not feel what Party A felt?

When someone tells me I hurt them I might not understand why they are hurt or insulted, but then again I am not in that persons head and I do not have a clue how that person feels except for what they tell me. I apologize even if I do not understand what's the big deal, It must have been a big deal or else why would Party A say he was hurt or insulted?

If asked to apologize you can do one of two things, apologize if you think the other person is worth keeping around, or not apologize even knowing you might have this person annoyed enough to kick you to the curb. It all seems very black and white to me. What say you folks?
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Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's always an interesting scenario when such things happen. For me I find a good discussion takes place. Often times it's a matter of expecations or a misunderstanding that leads to the feelings being hurt.
Galactic Civilizations IV
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

When someone tells me I hurt them I might not understand why they are hurt or insulted, but then again I am not in that persons head and I do not have a clue how that person feels except for what they tell me. I apologize even if I do not understand what's the big deal, It must have been a big deal or else why would Party A say he was hurt or insulted?

Very astute.  I do try to understand why, but in the end, if that is not forthcoming, and I WANT to keep their friendship, I do appologize.  Explanations are good.  Appologies are never out of style.

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
if someone tells me I hurt their feelings, I believe them and apologize. It is not up to me to decide how they should or should not feel.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
2 by Adventure-Dude
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:03 PM


It's always an interesting scenario when such things happen. For me I find a good discussion takes place. Often times it's a matter of expecations or a misunderstanding that leads to the feelings being hurt.


but if it is you and your feeling are hurt or you feel insulted, is it up to the other party to decide if you are insulted or hurt?
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
#3 by Dr. Guy
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:06 PM


When someone tells me I hurt them I might not understand why they are hurt or insulted, but then again I am not in that persons head and I do not have a clue how that person feels except for what they tell me. I apologize even if I do not understand what's the big deal, It must have been a big deal or else why would Party A say he was hurt or insulted?

Very astute. I do try to understand why, but in the end, if that is not forthcoming, and I WANT to keep their friendship, I do appologize. Explanations are good. Appologies are never out of style.


that's what I thought doc, exactly what does it TAKE AWAY FROM ME to say I am sorry? Nothing is the answer.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
4 by Gimpyone
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:07 PM


if someone tells me I hurt their feelings, I believe them and apologize. It is not up to me to decide how they should or should not feel.


exactly michele, I cannot decide if I hurt you, that decision is up to you.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

that's what I thought doc, exactly what does it TAKE AWAY FROM ME to say I am sorry? Nothing is the answer.

As a child I was accused of not being able to utter those words.  I was accused a lot.  But as an adult, it detracts nothing from me (I was a slow learner so it took me awhile), and adds a lot to my personal interaction.

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
#8 by Dr. Guy
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:13 PM


As a child I was accused of not being able to utter those words. I was accused a lot. But as an adult, it detracts nothing from me (I was a slow learner so it took me awhile), and adds a lot to my personal interaction.


it shows respect for the other persons feelings, and shows how evolved you are.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
I agree. If someone tells you you hurt their feelings, you did. It doesn't mean you intentionallyhurt their feelings. And like you said if you care about that person and value the relationship, you will apologize and try to make it better and not repeat the offending behavior.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
but if it is you and your feeling are hurt or you feel insulted, is it up to the other party to decide if you are insulted or hurt?


no I am saying that it is party a that decides.

There are rare cases where people just want to have a reason to be mad at you. It happens. But if you can find the reason for their hurt like I said it is usually a failed expectation or misunderstanding.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
10 by Locamama
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:42 PM


agree. If someone tells you you hurt their feelings, you did. It doesn't mean you intentionallyhurt their feelings. And like you said if you care about that person and value the relationship, you will apologize and try to make it better and not repeat the offending behavior.


from the responces so far it looks like the one hur or insulted has the valid feelings, while the one accussed of hurting still has not a clue about what the other oerson says.

thank you for your opinion
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
11 by Adventure-Dude
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:44 PM


no I am saying that it is party a that decides.

There are rare cases where people just want to have a reason to be mad at you. It happens. But if you can find the reason for their hurt like I said it is usually a failed expectation or misunderstanding.


the injured party is the only one that knows for sure if they are injured or not. You got it by Jove.

Sure I would not expect your feelings to get hurt if I called you :buttface" but if you said it hurt I have no choice to believe you/ My choice comes in if I want to say I am sorry or not and that's all on me.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't like to accidentally hurt anyone. So I would apologize.

I admit though, if its a subject I am passionate about, it may take me a day or two.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
14 by Tova7
Fri, June 02, 2006 11:45 AM


don't like to accidentally hurt anyone. So I would apologize.

I admit though, if its a subject I am passionate about, it may take me a day or two.


see knowing this about you would make it ok, I can wait.. but if you just came out and said "I OWE YOU NOTHING" that would hurt.

I am one of those guys that sometimes need a moment to calm down, colleen found out that giving me that moment makes the difference between a knock down drag out, and a calm discusion of differing ideas.
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
As the JU drama continue to unfold and we are treated with multitudinous reason why no apology will be issued because he said nothing he is sorry for.

As usual with smart people the obvious is being over looked, How about a simple apology just because "you hurt someones feelings" This way the one that apologizes looses nothing, and the one that wants an apology is appeased.

But I expect nothing, it's obvious to me that he has dug his heels in and would not apologize now if it would cause world peace.

For someone that claims to be evolved and can care less about how I feel has now written not one, not two, but three articles on this absurd brouhaha.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am one of those guys that sometimes need a moment to calm down


Me too...I usually say things I later regret when angry. And the sad truth is, when I am angry if someone tries to reason with me...well it usually gets WORSE!

As an example, I got into an argument once with a relative that degenerated to such lunacy that I actually argued the sky is red! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA And I wouldn't come off it no matter what she said I was so mad!

Funny now...especially when she brings it up to poke at me sometimes...
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
There are heated discussions and there are arguments that turn into disagreements. Hopefully this will be resolved at some soon.

If someone is hurt by what is discussed, it is good to for the other party to apologise. Because sometimes there are things said in the heat of the moment that are either taken the wrong way or not said in the right way. I've done that before. It's great when two people can learn something from each other's point of view and that's hopefully what will happen here.
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
Reply By: Tova7Posted: Friday, June 02, 2006I am one of those guys that sometimes need a moment to calm downMe too...I usually say things I later regret when angry. And the sad truth is, when I am angry if someone tries to reason with me...well it usually gets WORSE!As an example, I got into an argument once with a relative that degenerated to such lunacy that I actually argued the sky is red! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA And I wouldn't come off it no matter what she said I was so mad!Funny now...especially when she brings it up to poke at me sometimes...


yup once I hit that state of mind I only hear noise and any arguement no matter how SANE is NOT going to penatrate my thick skull, I just continue to get angrier.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
Reply By: foreverserenityPosted: Friday, June 02, 2006There are heated discussions and there are arguments that turn into disagreements. Hopefully this will be resolved at some soon.If someone is hurt by what is discussed, it is good to for the other party to apologise. Because sometimes there are things said in the heat of the moment that are either taken the wrong way or not said in the right way. I've done that before. It's great when two people can learn something from each other's point of view and that's hopefully what will happen here.


unfortunately I think it's beyond that point now, I could be wrong.
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
Reply By: little-whipPosted: Friday, June 02, 2006Hmmm, what was it I was saying about "secret buttons" the other day? Link


I read it and left a comment about it. I get it whip I really do.

ps. thank you for being exactly who you are.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
23 by little-whip
Sat, June 03, 2006 09:20 AM


ps. thank you for being exactly who you are.


You've got mail, Elie.


thanx, read it and decided to open my blog up to gid. where did you get to learn me so well and what touches me? hmmm?? lol
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
unfortunately I think it's beyond that point now, I could be wrong.


No, as long as I'm talking, it's never beyond that point. It's when I STOP talking that you should be concerned.

My comments were a reaction to something I take VERY seriously, moderateman. I do respect you, if I didn't, I wouldn't have said a thing. Note how much attention I've given my most recent blacklistee for his full frontal assault on me since it occured (namely, NONE). I DID think the comments were out of character, and that is why I made the statement I did questioning the seriousness of your comments. I HONESTLY thought you were being satirical to prove a point, and commented to that effect.

I think a lot of what occured was miscommunication. I honestly didn't mean to take it to my blog, but I had no other way to respond to you.

Thank you for reopening your blog and extending the olive branch. It shows a lot of character on your part.
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top

kumbayahhhhh m'lord.....kumbayahhhh....


everyone hates a smartass, LW!
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
#25 by little-whip
Sat, June 03, 2006 11:56 AM


Then again, what would a hard-ass like ME know about soft hearts, hmmm?


takes one to know one!