PhOOey

The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California,
when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and
finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one
of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger
list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do
you suppose you could...I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.
But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me,
so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

good one

PhOOey, hey I was wondering about the linkage.. Are you refering the ones that don't light up and go anywhere?> If it is. That's because I didn't finish it and added anything under there

Gotcha!

Iben wished to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating for long.
After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves
would strike the right romantic note, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the
wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and
mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it
had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to
remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled, I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before
I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off,
remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Iben



Calling it a night...Say goodnight, Gracie, wherever you are.

Signs Someone Has Hacked Into Your Email Account

~ "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

~ One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is cuffing you.

~ Apparently, your flame war with Don [email protected] is about to turn ugly.

~ When you log on, your computer cheerily greets you: "You've got lawsuits!"

~ Your inbox is filled with doggie porno and you're *strictly* a sheep porno kind of guy.

~ You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel Outlet Store.

~ Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000.

~ Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.

~ Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in an collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!"

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed
a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl,
she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a platter full of freshly baked
chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the platter with the cookies was a little note scrawled in a
child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching
the apples."

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.

Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this,
but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie...
He got out three times ta pee!"

Just ONE Wish...

werewolf was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can
forget about three... You only get one wish!"

werewolf sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii,
but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

werewolf said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Lunch is over...get back to work

I've heard that one as a conversation with God.

A Protestant died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after arriving, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said, "Hey Bill, Welcome to Hell! Here's the keys to your Porsche.
Let's go visit your beachhouse!" Before the befuddled man could answer, the Devil whisked him
into the Porsche and off they went. Arriving at the beachhouse, the man could only stare in awe at the magnificent mansion before him. The Devil handed the keys to
the mansion and the sportscar to the man whose mouth was hanging open in amazement and said, " Well, Bill, I'll check up on you in two weeks. Enjoy!" And as suddenly as he had
appeared, the devil disappeared.
His incredulity fading somewhat, Bill went into the mansion and found everything to be first class with running servants, an indoor pool ... the whole nine yards. For two weeks, he
lived like a king. After two weeks had elapsed, the Devil suddenly appeared and
asked the man, "Well, Bill, how is Hell treating you? Great place, isn't it! By the way, I have another client to see so I can't stay. Any problems? We aim to please down here in
Hell."
Bill replied that he certainly was having a grand time and that he'd not been prepared for such royal treatment. In fact, he had been expecting Dante's Inferno or something
similar. The Devil laughingly replied "No, Bill. Those are just old wives tales. This is the way Hell really is! Great place, isn't it?"
Bill then said that everything was fine except that at night, he'd been hearing these terrible blood-curdling screams emanating from the nearby island out in the ocean. This was so disturbing that he'd had to take an occasional sleeping pill. He then leaned over and whispered to the Devil, "Tell me really. Is that what's in store for me? After all, this IS Hell."
The Devil could not stop laughing at this and with tears streaming down his eyes, he said "No, you've got it all wrong. Those people on the island are the Catholics. They DEMAND it!"

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid... "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with. The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: But there's no pool here....(A long pause)
Wife: Is this 832-4821?

Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change operation in order to become a nun?

A. A transsister.




I know..booooo!!!

I recently recieved this by e-mail:

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

I'm loving these jokes. Keep 'em coming!

Important link for the War on Terrorism

The U.S. Navy initiates it's new Terrorist Catch and Release Program

http://www.solarnight.com/toons/catch_and_release.jpg

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every
year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I
may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They
land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything
I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a
little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."

So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball. Got ready,
then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have
to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake.
Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight
shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it."

And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball.
Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.
About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was
doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"

Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse - bulletproof.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES

Juggling Knives is Easy
Where to Find the toys in the Oven
"Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
101 Games to Play in the Road
The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
Arthur Gets Hunted
Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
Monsters Killed Grandpa
The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
Chicken Poop for the Kids Soul
All Guns Squirt Water
When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
The New Boy is Bad
Your Nightmares are real
The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
Grampa Gets A Casket

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay.
Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright!
Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing
without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"

MORE BUMPER STICKERS

Ax me about Ebonics

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

Dain bramaged

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted