Xaltec

Xaltec

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Might be a bit old.... but it made me laugh! Hell.... I AM english after all! To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial

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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!

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"Run Mister taliban" Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song) Day-O...oh Day-O, Air force come and they flatten your home Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding, Air force come and they flatten your home Hey USA, USA, USA... Air force come and they flatten you home 60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters, Air force come and they flatten your home Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter, Air force come and they flatten your home

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NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT! During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up w

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This is not what i would call funny.... but it struck a cord and i wanted to share..... "In Memory of The Twin Towers" Warning song to Osama bin Laden (the tune of Rawhide) The devil came from nowhere He attacked us from the sky. He bloodied up our nation didn't give a reason why. Now he's placed a spear in our eye said its done it Allahs name So God's coming lookin for him And he's got himself to blame. <br

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Kirk might be a redneck if..... Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob". He refers to Klingons as "Critters". He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns". He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section. He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" inst

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starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", say

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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explai

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*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. *** You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking proble

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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordere

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A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend

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Tips for Moving South...Yee-Haw! 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a

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