Posted this on the Pirates of the Southern Seas thread. Thought it might be interesting to fiddle with the Dark Side in a storyline. Just sharing a little good-natured fun with our former FF rivals. Enjoy!
Meanwhile, on an intelligence ship carefully disguised as a tramp freighter, far, far away...
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Moff Tarkin sat around a table, in communication with the Living Force. Their efforts were aided by the bottles scattered across the table's surface.
Since Coruscant and a few of its surrounding systems had abruptly popped into this strange new Metaverse, the Jedi had sought out their neighbors. Some, like the mysterious Fellowship of wizards, had been openly friendly, even speaking of alliances. Others, like the strange band of "Pirates of the Southern Seas" (whatever that meant) were boisterous and very, very loud, but equally friendly. Others, like the Drengin, were neither friendly nor did they speak of formal alliances. And their flavor of "loudness" came from the screech of aerial bombardment and the detonations of ship-to-ship combat.
From a few of these contacts, mostly from the G.R.O.S.S. pirate band, the Jedi had learned that the art of alcohol production on Coruscant was sadly lacking. Moreover, they had also discovered that strong alcohol that actually tasted good enough to stomach in larger quantities had an unforeseen effect. It allowed one to peer into the depths of the Force unhindered by normal concerns. Like consciousness, reason, and clarity of thought...
These strong and tasty alcoholic beverages were a valuable new tool in the Jedi Republic's ongoing battles against the forces of darkness. And any threat to them was a threat to the fabric of the Republic itself. The recent spike in Budweiser availability certainly qualified. Tarkin, head of Jedi Republic Security, was heading the investigation. Qui-Gon and his one-time pupil, Obi-Wan, were there to provide insights into the Force, combat backup, and diplomatic assistance. Tarkin had many strong points, but charming negotiation wasn't one of them.
So, to return to our intrepid heroes:
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Tarkin sat around a table, in communication with the Living Force. Their efforts were aided by the bottles scattered across the table's surface. Qui-Gon, as usual, was more in touch with the Living Force than his companions. He had in fact completely passed out, so in tune was he with the Force within a bottle of Wild Turkey. Tarkin, his face already lined beyond his years, was practicing his squint. Obi-Wan was thinking of his next refill. Jack Daniels? Johnny Walker? Red? Black? Ah, the wonders of this Terran sphere...
Suddenly, Qui-Gon jerked awake, immediately standing up, straight as a rail. His eyes were wide, his long hair nearly standing on end. Tarkin spun around in surprise. Obi-Wan instinctively leapt to his feet and ignited his lightsaber, striking a classic defensive pose that unfortunately intercepted an overhead beam. So intent was he on his former Master that he failed to notice; the blue beam of light remained embedded in the beam, sizzling gently.
"I...have felt a GREAT disturbance in the Force," intoned Qui-Gon in sepulcheral tones. "As if millions of voices have cried out in terror!"
Obi-Wan smelled burning metal, but that was unimportant at the moment. "Qui-Gon, what is it?"
"I feel something terrible has happened. A mighty warehouse, stocked with Jim Beam, has burned to the ground. Millions of thirsty, painfully sober Midwesterners scream in agony at this moment."
Tarkin, with his gift for analysis, immediately weighed the statement. "We've expected something like this. It could have been far worse. It could have been Jack Daniels." He began to pace. "Obi-Wan! You have been traveling the great Web and setting up your eavesdropping and tracking systems, as Yoda and I have requested?"
Obi-Wan extinguished his saber. His nerves needed a boost; perhaps unconsciously after Tarkin's mention of the name, he reflexively snatched the bottle of JD from the table. "It's proceeding, Moff Tarkin. There are some three dozen systems in place."
"And the one aboard the Southern pirate ship? The one disguised as an erotica snooper?"
"Yes, it's installed. Why?"
Tarkin grinned his trademark death's-head grin; a truly frightening effect on a face that was, in fact, of a good alignment. He'd been practicing that look along with the squint. "It was with these pirates that you first discovered the threat to our alcohol supplies. And they will likely be as concerned as we are about its extent. Do you have their location?"
Obi-Wan shuffled his feet. "Umm...Moff Tarkin, they're not actually that bad, considering the fact that some of them are, well, evil. And they DO know how to throw a good party - I feel that I'm with friends. It doesn't seem right to follow them and let them draw out the conspirators and then -"
"STOP, Obi-Wan!" interrupted Qui-Gon. "You should have learned your lessons better from me. Describing a plan before it's concluded can only be done by those who are EVIL themselves. We may allow Sith into our ranks in this time of need, but YOU are not a Sith. Keep our plans in your own mind where they belong."
Obi-Wan had an angry retort ready, but then remembered that Qui-Gon had once again passed him in the rankings, and had the right to give orders. Instead, he turned to Tarkin. "Moff Tarkin, this is your investigation. How do you recommend we proceed?"
Tarkin smiled - he'd practiced that too. He leaned over to touch the comm panel. "Pilot - set a course for the Southern pirate ships. We will sense their presence in the Force when we are near. We can follow them while staying out of sensor range."
"Yes, Sir! But what course shall we set, Sir?"
Tarkin smiled again. "Master Obi-Wan has the comm frequency of a tracer signal. He'll be with you shortly."
Obi-Wan strided silently toward the bridge, running the encounter through his mind. He knew that what the others were saying was right, was in the interest of the Jedi Republic, and was in line with Yoda's orders. But personally, he didn't think this a kind return on hospitality.
Within his mind, he heard the words of his old master: "We may allow Sith into our ranks in this time of need, but YOU are not a Sith."
"No..." thought Obi-Wan. "Perhaps not."
"Not yet."
Stardock Forums
Excellent story.
I guess it'll be ok if you keep it warm and safe for us till we get back up there 
You don't want another visit by the Four Darths again, do ya?