Financial Woes
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us. In other words pretty much like every other time we’d lived through in the Metaverse.
The Special Forces gathered to discuss their current financial circumstances. The pub was open for lunch and the drinks had been served. Killa sat at a tall desk by the sun-lit window, sipping his Pinot. He looked in turn at black smoke, Cypher, Hurley, Jaws, Quack, Obi, and Wild. The boys sat in alphabetical order as usual.
Killa tapped his quill for silence, put his glasses on, and with affection beaming out of one eye, and calculation shining out of the other, looked at Hurley from under his clerk’s cap.
Hurley took the cue and coughed politely for attention. “The Financial Committee is now in session. I got that phrase from the Euros by the way. Very impressive bureaucracy: quick and efficient. Excellent cigars”.
“Ahem. So what do we have?”, asked Wild hopefully.
“Nothing, not a contract, not a mission, not a sheckle”.
“Well what about the other Diplomatic missions? Did we get any contracts?”
Jaws rubbed his fin. “We’ve only visited four empires…perhaps we’ll have more luck with the others?” The group nodded in uncertain agreement. “But guys, what did ya think? The empires are truly bizarre aren’t they? Peopled by people stranger than fiction”.
“Can you give us some examples?” asked Obi.
Jaws grunted. “What do I need to say? The Fellowship are in la-la land with a capering Minister of Foreign Affairs and a Steward who is waiting for the return of the king. I can’t begin to tell you the number of group hugs I had to endure. Jojoba oil in everything. And get this, they issued a statement saying how stable they intended to be!”
The gathering chuckled. “Kiss o’ death, that”, laughed Killa. “Still, you know what they say: Be on your guard against a silent dog and still water. I’ll explain that later. Um, the Aussies destroyed themselves shortly after I visited…hmmm. Probably no connection there. Their BBQs were great, and the Aussie wines put that French swill to shame. But mad as hatters”.
“The Evilists are…odd” offered Wild. “I’ve always thought that a fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a man of understanding delights in wisdom. Still, different strokes. Briefly saw bakka who just got married…”
“Poor happy bakka” mumbled black smoke. “As they say, the woman cries before the wedding and the man after”.
“black smoke, no one says that”. Wild coughed, rubbed his nose and pulled his ear. “They do say ‘Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law’ however. There is an unconfirmed rumour that the Evilists main planet was destroyed shortly after my visit. Anyway, they’re too busy arguing about who is the most evil that they don’t actually do anything-else. The temptress was there…”
“Ah Wombie, don’t fret” sighed Quack. “L'amour faite passer les temps. Les temps faite passer l'amour. And I should know”.
Wild brushed a tear from his eye. “Sheesh. She’s become like a little girl in a lolly shop”.
“Or a School Mistress” Jaws said, and then blushed.
“What sort of school did you go to?” asked Hurley, with a hint of wistfulness. “Now, the Europeans. They ended up giving us their sort of assistance. As a gift they’ve given us copies of their Alliance regulations, carefully colour-coded, and an example of each and every Form they use. The transports will be arriving any day now. We can use Telstra Dome and Cypher has volunteered to sort through them in his spare time”. The gathered applauded sincerely.
Killa slammed his desk with a paw. “Ouch. So we are gonna have to tighten our belts chaps. No more wine cruises and drunken binges. First secure an independent income, then practice virtue I say. Obi, the long-distance calls have got to stop. Jaws, more overtime would help the cause and stop saying ‘One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few’. Cypher, if you could spare a minute from your renovations and organise the meat tray with Jaws. Hurley and I can do the chook raffle, and Wombie can continue to wombat the communication channels. We have to cut corners guys. Now that we can’t pirate… And you know what they say. ‘Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery’”.
“No one alive today says that Killa” remarked Wild with a sorry shake of his furry head. “You should get out more. Now any other agenda items?”
“How is our treaty with G.R.O.S.S. going, Wild?”
Wild grinned. “Glad you asked me. Where there is a sea there are pirates, eh. How does this draft communiqué sound? I’ve called myself Prime Minister only to impress them of course:
We, the Pirate Captain and G.R.O.S.S. Leader, and the Special Forces Prime Minister, have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of G.R.O.S.S.-Special Forces relations is of the first importance for our two empires and for the Metaverse. We regard the agreement signed last night and the G.R.O.S.S.-Special Forces Naval Agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another. We are resolved that the method of consultation shall be the method adopted to deal with any other questions that may concern our two empires, and we are determined to continue our efforts to remove possible sources of difference, and thus to contribute to assure the peace of the Metaverse. My good friends, for the second time in our history, a Special Forces Prime Minister has returned from G.R.O.S.S. bringing peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time... Go home and get a nice quiet sleep”.
The gathering clapped excitedly.
“Yea its nice”.
“It’s unusual”.
“I’ve before it before somewhere” said Quack, thoughtfully.
Wild hastily folded the paper. “Anything else?”
Killa piped up, “Perhaps I should go and see Dad for a loan. After all, a father is a banker provided by nature”.
“Good suggestion”.
“And I’m being followed by some crazed Euro guy with uzis or something…Met him in a prison after that little disagreement with Dad over his make-over".
“Is he a threat?”
“I suspect he thinks he is, but I’ve got some wheels in motion to fix his little wagon. I’ve invited someone here who can stop him in his tracks. It won’t be pretty!”
“Is your plan foolproof?”
“I’m quietly confident. After all, an army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep”.
“Well we’ve certainly got enough sheep here, including one little lamb temptress out the back I note”.
“No we don’t” said Jaws.
“What do you mean?”
“Ate her”.
“Oh”.
“Sorry”.
“Alright. Meeting closed. The next round is on Killa”.
“Now hang on!”
[Message Edited]
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